Jan 12, 2004
It is about 2:00 AM now. I have been awake for about an hour. I think of the comment from someone in Indonesia last month: "Night is the time for sleeping" and I feel resentful. It would not still bother me as much if she were not studying to be a teacher. It is really frightening to me that people like this are allowed into teaching and will have so much control, influence and power over so many young people. The resentment is higher than I would like it to be. Higher than I think is healthy for me or helpful for our species.
Today I got a ride from a tuk-tuk driver who spoke English well. He said his children were going to so and so school which is supposed to be the "best" school here (even though they evidently have the most fights and drug use). He also knew that people spoke French in Quebec and he knew the capital of Canada was Ottawa. He seemed to be someone who valued learning so I offered to come to his house and say hello to his children and practice English with them a little. He asked how much I would charge and I said nothing. Having his kids at the elite school has obviously trained him to think that everyone does things for money, because I am sure that there are lots of private tutors etc. in that social circle. He didn't understand why I was offering to do it and probably most people who only think about money don't either. But let's not be unfair to the people who only think about money. Let's include the people who think about things like appearances and getting high grades on exams, and basically everything else that our dysfunctional society values. lol. I feel a little resentful, but I had a pretty good day, and have had more of my needs met in Thailand since I got here, so I don't feel so so resentful. That should be so, so resentful. Not: so-so resentful! Just in case anyone is reading this who is not a native English speaker. (Which I hope is the case since I doubt I will have much influence on anyone who was born to speak English. But then again what's his name - Michael Moore - has influenced a lot of people from his own country and in other English speaking countries, so maybe I shouldn't underestimate myself -- like everyone else has done since I was born *he says with some resentment*)
So with some help from someone who speaks English a bit more than the driver, we agreed I would go to his house. It was the first Thai house I have been invited into. While there I met someone who told me she had a foreign exchange student stay with her from the AFS program. That is the same program my sister was on when I was about 15 or 16 years old. She taught me to say nung song som si ha and I never forgot it! So I just had to learn 6 and up once I got here! lol. So thanks for that, Pat. lol
Now this thing about the exchange student reminds me of this teacher here who told me that Thai people don't invite others into their homes. In just a few minutes she told me so many things which aren't even true! I felt so discouraged after talking to her. I could just imagine what she does to children. She said no to just about everything I talked to her about that day. And she didn't show any empathy for me, and in fact invalidated my feelings. She was basically trying to prove to me that my feelings weren't logical! I will probably write more about that sometime, but for now I will just say that she also told me that in Thailand you don't touch people. But I have been touching people just about everyday and I see others touching people every day too!
I see females touching males, males touching females, females touching females, and males touching males. I really resent people telling me these kinds of things and trying to perpetuate cultural traditions that don't even make sense and are not healthy. It is healthy to hug and touch!!!! I want to scream it out to the young people here and in Malaysia, where I was told more than once that a female can't even shake a male's hand because of their religious beliefs. One of the most irrational things I have been told though since I left Australia in July was that it is impolite to collect papers with your left hand! lol. This was in Indonesia, by a 19 year old who was studying in a university to be a teacher! I asked the highschool students about it and they laughed. There is a little more to the story which I might find and post someday, but for now I will leave it at that. But a main thing I want to point out is that between the ages of 14 and 19 people go from laughing at things like this, to actually believing them and then spreading them. But I didn't stop collecting the papers with my left hand. I didn't start doing it to be defiant or rebellious, but I felt rebellious and defiant as soon as I heard that it was "impolite." This is one of the way way way overused words in the countries I have visited so far. And it is a very poor explanation for anything, as I hope this example shows!
A quick note on males touching males - While at one school I saw a teaching assistant tell a young male not to lean his friend. The teacher had student A stand up and try to answer a question. He obviously felt very nervous and unsure. He literally was leaning on his friend's shoulder. For some reason, the assistant told him not to. I wonder why? Does she believe it is just "wrong"? Is it "impolite"? Is it against Thai culture? Is it "inappropriate?" Does she think it looks "gay"? I wonder what explanation she would give me. Or what non-explanation I might say because I seriously doubt she would give me a reasonable one. I also wonder who came up with the idea that people were not supposed to touch each other. I was raised with this sick belief. I wonder whether it came from the German or British type mentality where you have to be strong and independent all the time. I wonder if some unhappy authority figures in a school somewhere wanted to make things harder for the students answering questions by forcing them to "stand alone." I am very sensitive to asking someone to stand up or come to the front of the room. I won't force a young person to do it if they really don't want to. At the same time I do want to help build their confidence and teach them it is not so dangerous to stand up or come to the front of the room. I try to always say thank you when they stand up for me or come to the front. Afterall, they are helping me out in accomplishing something I wanted to see happen. Why should I just expect them to obey me like most teachers do? I am so opposed to this kind of thinking. These are real people with real feelings. I don't care how old they are, they still have feelings. Actually, I do care how old they are, the younger they are the more emotionally sensitive they are so the more important it is that I note how they are feeling.
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I am feeling sad about K. I want to see her again but it hurts me too much to think about what she is doing and may have already done and may be doing in the near future. I want to "rescue" her. I want her to work with me instead of doing what she is doing for money. I offered my help once and she rejected it. She said "Thank you very much." But she has not called me since then. Several females here have seemed very friendly to me, then just stopped calling me. This hurts. It hurts more because I don't understand. I wonder if there are some people who don't feel any pain when they can't understand something. I wonder if we are evolving to be more sensitive to the pain of not understanding, or less sensitive to it and to killing each other. If we are evolving to be less sensitive to killing each other, then it is not evolution but a course of suicide we are on.
Note: I remembered tonight that there were only 4 people at
the English club last week. This gives more support for my belief
that the club is not much fun. With so many people wanting to
learn English, I am surprised that not more students would want
take advantage of a chance to get some extra practice. Another
bit of info, what is called a tidbit of information for any
non-native speakers: The teacher who is running the English club
was the favorite English teacher among about 6, according to a
student I know at the school. If this is the favorite teacher and
there are still only 4 students going to the English club
meetings... well you can finish the thought yourself!
A note about Indonesia: Many people told me not to go to
Indonesia. They said it was so dangerous there. Well, I decided
to go and see for myself. I was there for three months. Nothing
happened to me. In fact, in Jakarta, which has the worst
reputation, I would walk from my hotel to the Internet cafe at 3
or 4 in the morning. I never even saw anyone who I felt
threatened by. I saw a lot of people on the street, but mostly
they were sleeping by their food stalls or in their tuk-tuks, or
they were playing cards or chess.
After going to his house, the tuk-tuk driver took me on his
motorcycle to the uni and would not let me pay him. While there I
met two "Christians." One quickly told me
"god" loves me. One thing nice about being out of the
USA is I don't hear this kind of stuff very often. It sounded so
out of place here in Thailand. I hope it stays out of place too.
But unfortunately their are already some "Christian"
propaganda centers here. (Otherwise known as "churches.) I
am feeling a bit cynical and sarcastic tonight, aren't I? (Note
the question that contains the answer. Very popular in England. A
leading country where they don't want people to think for
themselves. They just want you to agree with them, don't they?
lol)
So the two "Christians" had just recently been converted. I asked why and because it felt good to pray and because when they pray "God" would give them anything they wanted.
One asked if knew about Jesus. Now I don't put his name in
quotes because I believe a person by that name probably did exist
at one point. But he died and stayed dead, and will continue to
stay dead, like all the rest of us will! lol So anyhow, I said
yes, I knew a lot about him because I lived many years in the usa
and they were many "christians" there and they were
always telling me about him.
I said in Canada not many people have a religion because we think
religions cause people to kill each other. I also told them that
the "Christians" think everyone else is going to
"hell"; the "Muslims" think anyone who is
going not a "Muslim" is going to "hell" and
the "Jews" think that anyone who is not a
"Jew" is going to "Hell." I said I can't
believe in something like this. The more intelligent looking
seemed to never have thought of that before and seemed to giving
it some reflection., but the other one just got quiet and left
shortly after that. Then called her friend and told her she was
waiting for her at the cafeteria, probably feeling afraid I would
un-convert her friend, and being insecure enough to need to
convert to "Christianity" this was probably very
threatening for her. Now I sound really cruel I suppose, so I
will say I feel some compassion for this person. She comes from
another city and probably is a first year student. She probably
doesn't have many real friends, and probably was abused somehow
or other at home. Well, I am sure she was. If that sounds
arrogant of me to say, sorry, but I have talked to enough people
who have converted to "Christianity" to say this with
confidence.
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Also, found some writing from Sept. 30 in Jakarta. I read it and it sounded pretty good so I am posting it now. And I just made a file which will link some of my older writing. You can get there from the previous writing link below. Now I will go back to sleep. It is about 4 and I am going to one of the schools in the morning. Oh, this reminds me. One day at a school I told a teacher who asked how I was that I was sleepy so I was going home to take a nap. He said something like "There is a saying that people who sleep during the day are lazy." Now I don't know why he said that but I felt judged. He said it with a smile. This is the kind of very subtle judgment that I used to get from some of my relatives - the ones who didn't judge me more directly! lol He didn't tell me how he felt about me going to take a nap and I didn't ask him. But maybe I will the next time. I am really sick of people "getting away" with judging me and others like this. They make these little comments that are so difficult to argue with. They don't take responsibility for their own views. They say things like "There is a saying that people who...." But they don't say, "I feel judgmental of people who sleep during the day. And I feel superior to them because I don't sleep during the day. I sleep during the night. Because night is the time for sleeping. lol I suppose this teacher and the future teacher in Indonesia would get along well. Which just reminds me why I doubt I will ever be paid as a teacher in "normal" type school. As long as I am just visiting they have very little power over me. I come and go when I want. lol. Suits me to a T. (For non-native speakers: An expression which means it matches my personality and my needs perfectly!)
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Jan 12 - On the way to a school. I don't feel very motivated to go. Maybe writing will help. I had somewhat of a nightmare last night. It left me with a bad feeling this morning. I had a dream that my mother was going to hit me. She held back her hand in a fist and said "I will knock that smile off of your face." I said, "Go ahead, hit me. Do it while everyone is watching so they will see how you really are." There was more to it, but that was the main thing.
Now I am passing the "International Business School." It gives me a sick feeling. It is expensive to go there. So the richer families can afford to send their kids there. I am so tired of seeing how the world of business works. In the malls people sit there alone waiting for customers in the shops. For example, at the Diana mall there is a large area of cosmetics products which you have to pass to get to most of the rest of the mall. If you want to go to the supermarket, for example, the main way is through the cosmetics area. In this area there are about 20 females sitting waiting for customers. Yesterday most of them were just sitting there with a blank look on their faces. One was doing something with a calculator and one was unpacking inventory. Most of them were sitting alone. They are too spread out to talk to one another. Of course, they all had a lot of make up on and were needlessly over-dressed. The other night I went to the bowling alley in the basement.
bif - the cell phone girls at the mall....
`Now I am at the school.
A dog walks through the cafeteria as I am typing. Then something comes over the loudspeaker. Someone has decided to put some music on. It sounds like a bad copy of a cassette tape. I wonder who decides what music to put on. Again I see there is little respect for individuality. Everyone now must listen to the same music. If someone is trying to concentrate on some thinking or writing, as I am, what can they do? These places are too much like factories. They just put people through the same machinery every year and try to get the same products to come out at the end. People who will be able to fit into the system when they get out.
The students are so different from one another. Some take my hand tightly when I shake it and some are afraid to touch it. There is no big difference between males and females.
Trying to decide what to write here. How honest to be.... If someone in a school reads this they might not let me come visit their school. But if I am not honest
proud pumchai
satisfied= pawchaiw
disappointed pidwan