This is an entry from my old online diary....
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A mixed up, lonely mother - 5/26/2001
Johanne- 62 year old lady. One daughter who is a lawyer. J tells me
they have been having a conflict for a year and a half. Says "she
is tired of being her daughter's punching bag." Says "Thank God I
know astrology so I can detach and see my daughter from a distance
and not keep blaming myself for her genetic baggage."
Asked me to help her with her relationship with her daughter but
wasn't really interested in anything I had to say. I have seen this
before in parents- a woman named Barbara in particular who felt
rejected by her daughter and was almost desperate to try to get
closer to her. She wasn't interested in my help either. They both
just wanted someone to listen to them and agree with them.
Being with J. yesterday reminded me of what Thoreau said:
"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked
me what I thought, and attended to my answer. I am surprised, as
well as delighted, when this happens...A man once came a
considerable distance to ask me to lecture on Slavery; but on
conversing with him, I found that he and his clique expected seven-
eighths of the lecture to be theirs, and only one-eighth mine; so
I declined."
Johanne has been printing out pages of my website and sending them
to her daughter in Japan. Her daughter is about 27 I would guess.
She is trying to get her daughter to change, but never once asked
me what she could do herself to improve the relationship. I doubt
that sending her my pages on the 10 signs of high EQ and on
conflict resolution will have the desired result for J. Instead, it
may well cause the daughter to feel even more hypocritical and
resentful of her mother. And more controlled and pressured. It
seems to me that by the time a child is in their twenties, if not
much sooner, the parent's job is largely over. When I see parents
sending things to their children, whether it is "care packages"
from home while the child is in college, or copies of articles and
such, I usually see a dysfunctional family. I can think of several
such cases. This does not mean, of course, that if the parents do
not send anything that they are any more healthy, they could be
unhealthy in different ways.
More on Johanne - she is definitely feeling resentful. But she
is not a) taking responsibility or b) looking for things she can
feel appreciative of. If she would read my pages on resentment she
could see that those are two things I have found help me when I am
feeling resentful.
Thinking of Johanne rmo (reminded me of) another desperate sounding
mother. So I am thinking of writing a small section on my parenting
page about what to do in a crisis with your adult child. (or teen)
I might first suggest they ask how much the child feels understood
by them 0-10. Then ask how much they want to feel understood. If
the child doesn't want to feel anymore understood, then there is
probably very little chance of much improvement in the relationship
in the near future. I would suggest the parent back off. But if the
child wants to feel more understood, then the parent can ask what
would help them feel more understood. Then listen and make changes
accordingly.
I firmly believe if there is a problem in the relationship between
a child and parent it is at least 90% the responsibility of the
parent. The parent also has the most power to improve the
relationship. But their power comes from the ability to change
themselves, not to change their child. The older a child gets, the
less likely the parent will be able to change him or her. But the
parent can always, always change himself or herself.
Johanne needs someone to listen to her. She needs friends. But she
drives everyone away because she is so needy. She rmo my mother in
this way. J was paying a teenage boy to help her with the
gardening. She doesn't really need help with the gardening. She
needs someone to talk to, someone to control. When you pay someone
to come over to your house to help you clean, garden etc. you have
a captive audience. My mother has done the same thing. Johanne is
making up projects which the boy can do this summer. He is on some
kind of a government program which pays for most of his wages and
she just pays a little. It is worth it to her to pay this amount
just to have some company. It is very sad.
Something else I noticed about J. She is very intelligent but she
does not believe she is. She was invited once to join Mensa - a
group which is supposed be the top 2% of the most intelligent
people in the world. She said she just laughed and said "You must
be kidding." She said her ex-husband is a genius, but and that he
loved her more than she loved herself. He would tell he how smart
she was but she wouldn't believe it.
So the question is why? Why does she feel so undeserving? Why does
she have such a low self-esteem?
Her are some more insights. She said when she was a child she drove
her parents crazy and that they were always fighting. When she was
in her twenties she did acid. So it seems she feels responsible for
"driving her parents crazy." This rmo the kids who believe they
deserve to be hit.
Then J. turned to drugs. Ah, I forgot to mention J. also gained
weight by "stuffing herself." And she is now around 300 pounds I
would guess. And she said her mother was very strict, very
controlling, very achievement oriented. So we see some cause and
effect relationships across the three generations, do we not?
S. Hein, Cap Chat, Quebec
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Note - later that year I found out that Johanne had died alone in her home.