(around feb 04)
I'm at the library right now. I Hate going on the internet here. I can't even get into MSN instant messanger. A thing pops up saynig,"You do not have privilages to do this. Sign on as an administrator." What fucking bull shit. Dammit. I hate people. I hate all these rules here. You can only go on for one hour a day...even if nobody is at the libary waiting. I would understand if people were waiting, but, if there are 10 empty computers, why do I have to get off, or, why can't I come back on later in the day? AHHH!!! lol, Now I am wish I was somewhere like your place in Austraillia so that I Can scream.
Im so depressed. I want to leave so badly. I want to travel on my own some. I think it would give me so much confidence...Make me believe in myself so much more. I want to see you too. Im serious about just going someplace you are and not telling you first, lol. I think it would be great...sort of like you just showing up at mc.donalds. I hate money. lol.
I wish I could talk to you. I really need to talk to someone right now. Really bad. I don't want to need you too much. Ya know? Actually, I don't think I Need you. But, you do help a lot. I could get along, though, if one day you said,"Nicole. I don't want to talk too you anymore." I hope you wouldn't do that, but, I could survive. I think I needed that time apart from you, becuase, I think I needed to know that I Could survive without you. lol. That probably doesn't make sence. Okay, anyway. DAMMIT. I want my internet back. What am I going to do now? Maybe it's good,t hough. I can get my ass of the computer and start really really focussing on what I need to do to get out of here.
Yesturday, I told Peter that I Had to leave. He said that I wouldn't have anywhere to go,I would be homeless. In tears practically, these words just came out of my mouth. I didn't even mean to say them," I have to get out of here Peter. I have nothing in Plattsburgh for me anymore. NOTHING. I'm miserable and depressed. Im about ready to jump off a fucking bridge."
I couldn't believe I Told him that. He was silent for awhile....didn't say much. I went into the bathroom to cry.
How am I going todo this Steve? It's kind of over whelming. But, I can do it. I need too. Money is really the only thing holding me back right now.
OH, and do you know what. Call whenever you fucking want. I dont' live with my mother anymore. And, I don't want to feel like I live with her anymore. I can talk to whoever I want whenever I want. One of the reasons I moved out of my mother's was beause I didn't have this freedom. And, who's to tell me no now? I Wouldn't be as talkitive if peter was there,but, I don't care anymore if he answers the phone or something. Screw it. THIS IS MY LIFE.
MINE. LOL. Okay.
Ever since I was young, everyone had so much power over me. My father...well, I wont' even go there. My mother, my step fathers, my teachers..even my friends had power over me in some ways. Im taking back the power. It's my life. I will do what I want. When I want and how I want. This feels good, Steve. It really does. Damn! Okay, I can do this.
Oh my god. This is so stupid. THe library is so scared that people will stay on more than their hour, that, they have a count down. I have 48 minuets left before it boots me off the computer. lol. God. People are so fucking up tight. Oh, and because of the patriot act, anybody...the fbi...woever...can come into this library and search everything on the computer. lol. Damn. I hate Bush. I have a shirt that says,"I still Hate George Bush." Hate is a strong word, but, appropriate sometimes.
Okay, how are you feeling now? Honestly, are you glad that we are talking, or, is it too hard for you? Do you still feel like we could work together? How would you feel if I did travel with you for awhile, and then went my own way for awhile?
I imagine myself travelling, and then, meeting up with you in different countries. I want to see the world. I want to believe in myself and know that I can take care of myself. I want to feel like I can be independent and not needy anyone.
That's another problems with how chidren and teenagers are raised. Their entire lifes, they don't get to make choices. In school, they don't get to make chocies. At home,their parents normally do all the thinking for htem. Then, when you are 20, you have freedom, but, you don't know how to use it. You don't know how too survive int he world. You don't know how to make choices. I think kids need to be given power when they are young. They need to learn how to make choices that are good for htem as they get older. I wish I hadl earned...becuase...it would sure be easier for me now. I am sure I would be gone already...exploring the world.
I think of where I would be if I hadn't met you. I am sure I would want to travel...I always have...but, I would never even think of it as being possibal. You have opened up so many doors for me the last three years. You have given me strength. Thanks. I don't want you too make you feel like you are responsibal for me or that I depend on you completely. lol, you are great, Steve. But Im going to be okay. SUre, your encourgment and friendship could help lots, but, i will do this. I hope! You said,"I either want too do some good, or die." I feel the same way in some ways. " I either want to be free, or die." And that means free from my worries, fear...free from myself in lots of ways.
i don' t want to die. Their are too many things I Haven't seen. Too many people I haven't meant. Sometimes, I think, it would be great to meet every person in the world...To get to know them all . There are so many stories to hear. So much to learn from other people. For example, I never thought there would be a person like you in the world. Then,I think, there are so many more peoplein the world...maybe great like you. Im not sure if you go tmy last email. Th ecomputer kept shutting down. I love the socks thing. It's things like that that willl make people never forget you. you touch people. You make them think...and even, sometimes, when they don't admit it...I bet some of them lye in bed at night thinking about things you've said...and think,"Hey, that does make sence." I don't want your work to ever stop. I want to help you always...even if I go on to do other things, I always want to continue these things...I don't think change will happen right away. But, I believe that change is possibal...too touch as many kids and teenagers now...teach them to be better parents one day...that's the only way change will really happen. Adults are all ready to far gone...too jaded to the world. Even some teengers are too far gone... Ifeel so bad for Rachael. She told me that after she is done collage, she wants to get a job as a socael worker. Then, every coiuple years she will get a couple weeks off from work. She said every couple years, they will go on a vacation somewhere...like, to resorts.
I long for hte day that I can call her and say,"Hey, I am here...or there...meeting these interesting people...life is so different here, Rachael. Guess what I saw today..." Then, she will say,"yeah, I got another A on my psych exam." I wish she could see through my eyes...feel through my heart...or "AMY" or whatever it is that you feel thorugh. I don't really care....the feelings are just there...does it really matter what part of my body creates them? Okay, 34 minuets left. SOrry this is so long. lol, I talk to much. Im not quite as talkitive oon the phone...in person I talk a lot...but then, other times, I don't...because, sometiems, words don't need to be said. Sometimes, not talking...you say the most. Does that make sence???
Okay, I will go now. Im so pissed that my internet was disconnected. HOw dare they, lol. I feel lost without it in some ways...unable to connect to the world. THe internet lets me go to the world...lets me get out of plattsburgh and out of my apartment. Without it...I feel...reality sink in. Maybe I need reality to sink in some more, though...maybe it will give me some move on.
Im going to see my grandparents soon. I feel unconfortable around them sometimes. THey always ask me,"When are you startng school." "Oh, your cousin Marley, she is graduating this summer and she got excepted to so and so collage." "yeah, she made the honor roll this quarter." Fuck that. I made the honar roll every quarter. lol, and was I happy. They don't understand my dreams either. NOBODY does Steve. I hate to say it, but really, you are the only one. I wish you were'nt and I want to meet other people who do. I don't want to be dependent on oyu. Actually, I don't htink i am. But, I would be sad if you decided you didn't want to be my friend or whatever. I'd live though. okay, i've written a book here. Sorry...I just have so much to say and nobody who udnerstands to say it too. Like you, it feels good to be honest with someone and not have to hold so much in.
Okay, i'll for for real. lol, did you make it to the end???
sorry. i have so much i've been holding in to say. I haven't had
a real good talk with anybody...not this honest...since...that
day int he car, actually. Peter and I talked alot, but, I
couldn't be this open with him. I always thought I might make him
feel wierd...or, I didn't think he'd understand. Okay,
for, real. buy. n
oh nicole i have so many feelings so quickly.
i felt relieved to see ur messages. relieved that u were still alive. now i
am crying. i read all of them. all ur messages. i dont even know why i am
crying. my feelings are just so strong. maybe i felt encouraged by the
things u said. i know i did. i felt understood accepted cared about. valued.
it is so fucking hard nicole but i havent given up yet
last night i was so depressed i turned on the tv set.
i had a pretty good nights sleep
i woke up feeling very rebellious and defiant
as in i hate adults i hate teachers. i was going to change my web page to
say i fucking hate adults, teachers and parents. if u have a problem with
that then fuck you.
lol
i was going to put it in big letters.
but i moved past that feeling. i felt so much hatred . i wanted to scream. i
wanted to be back on my property in australia where i could scream and no
one would hear me.
it is sad but people are afraid to scream when they need to
we are all so afraid of expressing our emotions. of being ourselves
but i feel more determined today.
the hatred has turned to determination this morning
nicole i dont need u. i am so fucking determined. *tears*
i dont mean that in a resentful way that i dont need u i mean it in a way
that i dont want u to feel pressured. or responsible for me. if we can help
each other then great. if not i will go on. u will too nicole
u are so fucking strong. and so wonderful.
yeah i think we could do so much more together. but ... well i d ont know
what i was going to say
i forgot cuz i just thought . wow nicole is so on top of things. she really
understands herself and people. u are stronger now nicole. u have changed.
it is good. i am so glad i didnt lose the nicole i knew when i met her. i am
so glad they didn't destroy you and wear u down.
they try so hard to stop people like us. most of the world is against us. i
know that u might not agree with me saying that, but i believe it is true.
here is an example. for the past three days i have not been wearing matching
socks. on purpose. most of the world will have a problem with that. most
people think there is something wrong with it. most people will feel
uncomfortable judmental. but it will be one of my trademarks now i think
to make another point. i want to teach the kids that it doesnt fucking
matter if my socks match.
kwim?
i will ask teachers what they think about it then ask whether they think it
is important and why. and i will document the stupid fucking answers they
give me. lol
i fucking hate what adults do to children and teens. and this hate drives me
to try to help just one child somewhere in the world. help them see it is
all bullshit. help them break away from their family, their religion, their
society, their cult or culture .... same thing as far as i am concerned ....
and think and feel for themselves.
so today i will go to the uni and try to connect with some students who
showed interest in me and my ideas. i was close to giving up yesterday and
leaving quito for a smaller town. but i want to make more connections with
more pple here first.
thanks for being u, n.
xxoo
sph