South Africa
When visiting a school once I saw the principal of a school verbally attacking two of the 12 year boys. He was filling in for one of the regular teachers. In this incident he was demanding to know what the two boys were doing, and why they were doing it, and why they weren't doing what they were told to.
Each question was an attack
What are you doing?!
Why are you doing that?!
Why aren't you doing what you were told?!
The whole classroom feel silent. All eyes were on the principal and the boys. The air was thick with tension. All work had stopped. On this particular day some of the students were working on the floor with an art project so there had been more talking and activity than there would have been during a normal lecture. All of this activity and interaction came to a dead halt. Everyone felt the stress and the fear. Everyone was temporarily paralyzed, myself included. But we were all internally recording the events and the emotions surrounding them. When the principal finished attacking the two boys he addressed the whole class. He told them that if anyone forgets their homework, then they would have to work on the art project. He said he would not allow them to "sit and do nothing." What was originally intended to be an opportunity to be creative suddenly became a form of punishment. I found myself feeling afraid of the principal - intimidated by him. He had suddenly turned from a smiling friend to a possible threat. I thought of how the children must feel if I, at age 45, was intimidated by this small explosion. I looked around the room at the faces of the children. All looked attentive at the very least, but some looked literally afraid. I would have liked to have a monitor tracking all of their heart beats. I don't think the principal realizes what an impact such an outburst has. The children's emotional brains soak this up.
Later in the day I gave a presentation to several classes. The boys who had been attacked were in the audience. I thought of them as I tried to justify what the principal had done without mentioning it specifically. I told the group that the principal valued understanding. I said when he asks you questions and seems upset with you it is because he wants to understand. I said he is a passionate person who cares very deeply about you and he really wants you to learn so you will be prepared for life when you leave school. I tried to help them look at his strong emotions, which could at times be called his anger, as just being indications of how much he cares about them. I suggested to them, though, that sometimes they might not feel cared about when he or a teacher is shouting at them speaking to them harshly. I suggested that they tell the teachers and the principal how they feel. I told them that sometimes adults need to be reminded of things, just as the adults sometimes reminded them. I said that sometimes adults need to be reminded of their own values. I said that the since the principal valued love, caring and understanding it might be helpful to tell him when they didn't feel loved, cared for or understood.
I gave the example of a boy not having his shirt tucked in. I said that it doesn't matter to some people if your shirt is tucked in or not, but this was something which is important to the principal. So if we want to respect his feelings we will try to tuck our shirts in for him. I said it does not mean a boy is a bad person if his shirt is out, it just means the principal may have to remind him. In a same way then, adults sometimes need to be reminded. (Now, though, I see there is a difference. In one case the adult is reminding the boy to follow the adult's values, not the boy's own values. In the other case the boy is reminding the adult of the adult's values. Of the two situations it is probably fair to say that it is easier to get someone to follow their own values and ideas rather to get them to follow someone else's. Part of growing up is, in fact, choosing one's own values, and knowing which values you have consciously chosen as compared to which you have unconsciously adopted.)
At the time I gave the presentation I felt a little uncomfortable with the justification I gave to the students for the principal's behavior in questioning the two boys as he did. Later I realized that I felt guilty for misleading them in someway. I knew that what I had said wasn't totally true. I knew that the principal was not simply expressing his love, caring and desire to understand at the moment of his attacks on the boys. I knew that his main feeling was not curiosity. Therfore, it was not fair to say he was trying to understand when he asked his questions. The children can feel the difference even if they can not verbalize it at age 12 or 13. One thing I want to do is to help them verbalize their feelings so willing adults can get valuable feedback, can learn and can improve how they treat people. I believe if the principal would have asked the boys how they felt, and also asked other people in the class, particularly the most sensitive ones, he would have felt bad for his behavior. I also believe he would have regretted the way he handled things. And I suspect he would have apologized to the boys and perhaps to the class. I admire him for his ability to actually feel his feelings and also to apologize as his feelings guide him to.
One other suggestion I would make is to speak to the boys quietly at their desks, rather than shouting out to them from the front of the room as he did. We all feel humiliated when we are criticized publically. I don't think he wanted them to feel humiliated. It all happened too fast. Then he moved on to something else without ever processing anyone's feelings. Besides not discussing the boys and the other students' feelings, there were also his own feelings to process. How did he feel when he saw the boys weren't doing what they had been told? Defied? Disobeyed? Caring? Curious? Hostile? Offended? Out of control? Disrespected? Frustrated? Disappointed? Disillusioned? How did he feel as he was questioning the boys? How did he feel when he was lecturing the class immediately after questioning the boys? How did he feel after lecturing the class?
notes from a letter to a friend....
today i saw these three kids standing alone, in the form a triangle. about 10 feet from each other., standing there like statues in the main square between the buildings. i walked up to one and asked why he was there. he said he did something or other wrong so they made him stand there. i go, "now that is fucking stupid" then i laughed and said, now don't tell anyone i said that! lol then i kept going and he smiled at me. a minute later i saw cherie.( a teacher i trusted) i told her what i had told the guy - later as we walked past the guy i had just talked to i said, you can tell her what i said. lol.
later she defended this though. i said it was humliating to have to stand there like that. she goes, "oh no, they are all used to it." i wanted to say "yeah, kids get used to their dad fucking them too." but i bit my tongue. oh, i also told cherie while we were talking to the guy in the hot sun being punsished and made an example of (like jesus on the cross) that i had better shut my mouth or i will start a rebellion! lol.
later i did tell her that it was like jesus being crucified. i think the headmaster was standing there, (richard segundo - not his real name. but almost)
they didn't see anything wrong with it but i said well it bothers me and i was very bothered when i saw it so i am just giving u that feedback. i smiled and they were smiling too. i felt a little rebellious and defiant but not so much to damage my relationship with them.
when i left the school after a few days visiting there i hugged cherie and richard both - can u just picture that - me hugging a principal! lol
i am not making this up, though it is probably hard for u to believe. it is kind of hard for me to believe to.
one day i also was laying on the floor in the teachers' lounge eating off a tray of food they had for some teachers birthday party. richard was all like "let me get u a plate" I go, no, u have better things to do than wait on me. he protested so i said "i promise u i will have no problem getting that food into my stomach" Then he left me alone and that is when i took the tray of goodies and laid down on the floor. the lady whose bday it was came in and she looked at me like what the hell. lol. i go "you don't mind me laying on the floor eating do you?" lol she didn't know what to say so she said no and hurried out. lol.
Other notes
There are no substitute teachers available in this town.
Some teacers in some of the school districts have been working for months without pay.
They are planning to cut the school budget again next year.
The teachers are not allowed to "counsel" children with aids. Can they even talk to them about their feelings?
I talked to some highschool students who said they can get punished for wearing the wrong color ribbons in their hair.
Here are notes from a conversation I had:
Kirsten just told me that she is left handed and when was in school the teachers told her she should be writing with her right hand. She said the scissors hurt her hands and they said "well you should be using your right hand anyhow."
She took a correspondence course after she turned 16. She said why waste time in school when I could learn the same things faster on my own. She even took two extra classes.
Once she was sent to detention after school and the teacher made everyone there stand up in a line, one meter apart from each other. After a while she was raised her hand and said "Miss, I have to go to the toilet." The teacher said "No. You are not going anywhere. You will stand right there." She asked two more times and was told no. On the third time she just walked out the door and didn't come back. The next day the vice principal talked to her. Kirsten defended herself, saying she asked three times. The vice-principal reluctantly accepted this. I told her in some schools she might have gotten a week of detention for disobedience or "insubordination." I asked her what she would have done then. She said I would have told my mother and my mother probably would have gone into the school and said "You can't do that to my daughter."
She said the teachers rotated who had to stay after school to do the detention duty. She said some teachers dealt with it fine and let people do their homework. Other teachers hated it and got nasty and did things like making them stand against the wall. This was not really condoned by the principal so Kirsten knew that the teacher wouldn't have much of a defense.
Kirsten Holtshousen
Naked on Kloof
51 Kloof St. Gardens
021-424-4748