Sep 30 03

Sep 30 - (Jakarta)

Yesterday I was very depressed. Went to university and met someone who was going to watch a film. I followed her to the auditorium and stayed for about an hour. The first twenty minutes or so were advertisements for other films. I don't know why people accept this kind of thing. They just sit there. Why don't they get up and leave? I suspect this idea of showing previews of other movies started in the USA. I feel very cynical about the culture there. I don't want to see other countries continue to follow in the same path. But anyhow, the film was called Iris. There was even a preview of it in the middle of the other previews. Maybe that was so you wouldn't get up and leave. Why don't people go up to the film operator and say "When does the real film start? I will come back then." I didn't do that myself. But maybe the next time I will. It has been a long time since I saw a movie in a theatre. It probably will be a long time before I see one again. The film Iris looked good. But it didn't live up to my expectations. It tried to make you believe it was about important things like freedom and education. In the preview there was a quote that said "education doesn't make you happy. Freedom doesn't make you happy...." I agreed with this and expected them to eventually say something very profound about happiness. But after watching for about one hour I decided they were never going to say anything very profound. The movie kept jumping around. Going from the past to the present. It mostly was about how Iris was losing her mind. It was dramatic, but if there was a really important message, I guess I missed it. It tried to show that Iris was an independent woman. A woman not afraid to speak her mind. Not afraid to challenge the conventional norms. It let you think maybe she was a lesbian or bisexual in a time when this was more taboo.

But anyhow, I went to the university to try to find some volunteers. I got distracted. By a girl who calls herself a Christian. I don't want to call anyone any names like Christian or Muslim. If people want to call themselves that, there is not much I can do about it, except try to educate them. But I don't want to call them such names because to me they are all humans. Each label divides us. We need more unity in the world, not more divisions. If someone asks me if I believe in "God" I think I will just say I believe in children. It is sad that you have to be evasive, but you do I guess. Or people will judge you and reject you based on their classification of you. Fabio told me yesterday when we chatted that he met someone in Kuala Lampor Malaysia who was very smart and spoke English perfectly, but because he was not a Muslim he was discriminated against. I have heard this before so I believe it. Fabio said the guy is now homeless and has been told that the police are going to take all the homeless people 15 kilometers out of the city for a week because there is some kind of international meeting in KL. The same kind of thing is happening in Bankok. They are moving all the homeless people, beggars, prostitutes etc. and spending a lot of money to temporarily "clean up" the city to make it look better for the foreign visitors. This kind of thing really disgusts me. Fabio said they will be talking a lot about poverty in the meetings, yet they don't want to see the poor people. Fabio is easily one of the smartest people I have ever met. Smart when it comes to seeing through hypocrisy. Like Sarah, who is a genius in this regard. I told Fabio I felt discouraged because I keep getting rejected but he said to keep fighting. He said for him it just makes him try harder when people reject his ideas. I hope Sarah will also keep fighting. But I don't like the word "fighting." Just persisting. Not giving up.

I was thinking about how I so often want to just give up. Then this morning I wondered why that is even an option. I don't consider hitting children as an option. Or using violence to force someone else to do something. It is just not an option. Why is giving up an option? Where did I learn that it was an option? Where did Sarah learn to say things like "I just want to die." What if giving up were not an option? What if suicide were not an option? What if hitting a child was not an option? What if threatening a child was not an option?

So maybe I will try to eliminate giving up from my options. It never really was an option. But.... sometimes I get so discouraged. But why? Why do I get so discouraged when I have so many things in my favor? I have freedom, or I think I do. But do I have freedom of the mind as the movie said. That was one of the only useful things it said, it reminded me that freedom of the mind is the only freedom that matters. But that is not actually true. If you have freedom of the mind but are locked up and not fed you will die no matter what your beliefs are. You might thing you will go to a nice place when you die, but you will still die. I don't believe in nice places or bad places after one dies. I am afraid to say that here. Yesterday I was talking to a couple travel agents. Somehow we got on the topic of religion. When I told them what I believe they didn't want to talk to me anymore. So maybe when people ask something like whether I believe in "God", I wil say, "How would you feel if I said yes and how would you feel if I said no?" lol.

It is nice to write. To not have to go anywhere or do anything. I feel a little obligated to help some people, like the ones who lost their homes in the fire and the ones at school and the homeless boys like Budi and his friends, but I guess I will give myself permission to not feel responsible for them. I will give myself permission to change my mind. People say "But you said...." Yes it is true, I did say that. But I have changed my mind. How do you feel about it? If they tell me how they feel and I listen they will feel better. I can't help everyone financially. But I can help them by listening. And by caring. I guess I am more caring than most people. I wonder why. Nature and nurture I suppose. Sometimes I really don't want to care so much. I get taken advantage of. I get hurt. I get rejected, used. I get mocked, disapproved of. It hurts. I sometimes I wish I had some imaginary being that I could turn to, that I could pray to. But I would feel hypocritical. No one is listening. At least I don't think anyone is. No one but Amy. Amy my amygdala. She is my guide, but not my god. She doesn't make a lot of silly rules. She doesn't tell me I must wear certain kinds of clothes or put a certain kind of little hat on my head. The people who think little hats are important won't like me saying that. But the children would understand. Children don't care if I wear a little hat on my head or if I cover my knees. Here there are many people who think it is wrong to show your knees. But I think this is changing. The young people here are starting to question things. In some ways I believe it is good they learn English so they can talk to foreigners and watch foreign films. But I am also afraid they will look up to people like Britney Spears and J Lo, as some of the teenage girls do -- many in fact. The other day at school I saw a notebook belonging to one of the girls. There were pictures of Britney, J Lo and Eminem. The girl who owned the notebook turned out to be one who calls herself a Muslim and who wears a headscarf. I wonder what she would be like if she spent a year in Holland, for example, or France. What if she spent a year in Australia or the USA. I have talked to several people who had problems when they went abroad and had freedom, then came home to controlling parents.

Today I talked to some parents who were waiting for their kids to come out of kindergarten. They parents seem to just sit there and talk to each other the whole 3 hours the kids are in school. There were about ten parents. One spoke English well. He used to work for Compaq repairing computers. The the office closed. I asked why. He said "maybe bad management." I asked if the children were learning English. They said no. They just learn Indonesian and Arabic. I thought that it would be better for them to learn English. But I am not completely sure. If they learn English they might pick up too many of the unhealthy American/British/Australian attitudes. By attitudes I mean beliefs and feelings. They might become cynical, sarcastic, materialistic. They might pick up unhealthy values like appearances.

This morning I also went back to the homes that were burnt. I decided to tell them that I want to help them but that I need some help myself. I need some help typing for example. I also need some help with my mail. My inbox has been full again and I want someone to help me clean it out. I don't want to just give money to people. And I especially don't want to just give it to organizations. I gave some money to a father named ... well I won't say the name. But I went back to see if one of his daughters might want to do some typing for me. He seemed to understand what I wanted and asked one of the daughters, but she didn't look interested at all. She seemed to be more interested in her clothes, hair and make up. I feel a little judgmental, it's true. I am thinking that it is sad if your home has been burnt and you are not willing to do some work to help out. Also I already gave the family some money. And only the father seems to appreciate it. I am afraid it sounds shallow of me but I don't want to help people who don't appreciate it. One of my unmet needs is to feel appreciated. I would rather not have this unmet need, but that is a little like saying I would rather not be hungry when in fact I am hungry. So I guess I will just admit that I have a need to feel appreciated. It is risky to say that though because if someone learns that I have this need they might try to manipulate me by showing false appreciation. But maybe false appreciation is better than none. lol.

I miss having intelligent people who would laugh at my little jokes. People like my special brainy friend in England. Yesterday I was thinking of her a lot during the film since it was a British film. And in one of the previews there was the song "I will remember you, will you remember me" She used to say she never forgets people, but I feel forgotten. Now I am suddenly very sad. Very discouraged. So I ask Amy what should I do. She says there is nothing you can do. Except maybe send my friend an email. Just telling her I am thinking of her. Or maybe suggesting she read this. She can't hurt us too much more than she already has. I think of Budi and Fabio. They are both persisitent. Budi must get rejected 50 or more times everynight when he askes if he can shine someone's shoes. He will make a good salesman someday, a good manager. He has so much potential. He will probably have his own business one day. He doesn't need school to start a little restaurant or something. The myth of education is so over-promoted. The kids at the highschool waste so much time and energy. Many of them want to have their own businesses and could have them by now. Even the smallest little "lemonade stand" is a business. There is so much unused potential there. Some boys want to have a motorcycle business. Some want to have a restaurant. Some want to do marketing. Why isn't anyone helping them get started? Some girls want to have a beauty salon. Yesterday I saw a man cutting hair on the sidewalk. There is nothing stopping these young people from doing something like that. Only their beliefs are stopping them. The headmasters in both schools (there are two schools using the same building - morning and after noon schools) seem pretty open to me helping the students start some businesses. But so far it has been so hard - mostly because I don't speak the language. But one student, Wisnu, has helped me. He understands English very well. I need one or two more like him from somewhere.

I need to keep telling people what I need and what I want to do. Mike Wickett said if you tell people what your dream is, they will help you. I believe this is mostly true. Some will discourage you and tell you all the reasons you can't do it and why it won't work and why it is impossible, so you just don't talk to them. You just move on. There have been some negative people here. Some people have also lied to me and deceived me. So I am just avoiding them. They try to be my friend but they are false friends. So far I have been conned or tricked or manipulated by about 4 or 5 people. That is not so many really compared to all the nice people.

Today I found out that there is a room with air conditioning at the Bloomsteen Hostel. I will go there tomorrow night I think to check it out. See how many mosquitoes there are in the room. There is a frame for a mosquito net. Maybe they can loan me one. I also talked to Mahfubin, one of the staff there. He said a friend speaks English and Indonesian. So slowly I am meeting people that can help me. I think Budiono is the name of the manager at the hostel - and also the friend that Mahfubin talked about. Opik also works there. These names are hard for me to remember! Or even pronounce! It doesn't look like Bloomsteen has a web page. Almost no businesses here have web pages. One of my ideas is to have the students make web pages. I have so many ideas. I don't want to give up on them. This is a diry, smelly, hot crowded place, but there is a lot keeping me here. lol. The smell is really disgusting sometimes. So are the flies over the garbage on the street and sidewalks. I've never seen so much garbage and rotten food laying around.

Today at the kindergarten I bought something like a popsicle from a mother. She makes them at home. This is one example of how people have little businesses. In a country like the USA this would be illegal. 95 percent or 99 percent of the businesses here would be illegal because they wouldn't meet health department regulations. I also found out that the street vendors buy water for 1,000 rupiah. this is about 12 cents. For this, you get either one or two buckets of water. I am not sure which. Evidently a man comes around pushing a cart with plastic buckets of water and selling them. No wonder no one is washing down the streets. Not if you have to pay for water. I thought that it would be nice if the fire department would use their hoses on the street to wash away all the rotten food. People sweep the steets with brooms made of twigs but it doesn't clean up the smell. It is really disgusting. It is hard to believe that a main tourist steet like Jaksa could be so filthy and smelly. But what I wanted to say was that when I unwrapped the frozen mango juice stick I asked what I should do with the rubber band which sealed the plastic bag. The man said throw it on the ground. lol. I didn't want to do that. I deliberately made a point of asking about this, btw. lol. So eventually they showed me there was a trask can right next to them, just out of my view behind a wall. I could almost reach it from where I was sitting it was so close. And it was in plain sight of the man who told me to throw the rubber band on the ground. Now my little rubber band might not have made that much difference to the over all level of trash on the street, but it made an impression on the mothers that I didn't want to throw it on the ground. They said something to each other and I could tell they admired this. Then they talked about how clean Singapore is and how dirty Indonesia is. The man had been to Singapore. So in small ways I try to set an example. Quietly, but deliberately -- or at least sometimes deliberately and intentionally. Other times I just do what I feel comfortable doing. Like when I laid on the grass with my shirt off last week and the reporter took a picture of it. I mostly just wanted to be more comfortable. I was hot and I was cooler with my shirt off. The teenagers understand this. They don't judge me for it, not many of them at least. I think what happens is that when they become parents they get more rigid because now they become authority figures to someone less powerful. When they tell their children this is what you do and don't do, they start to believe it themselves.

I would like to change the world in a big way. But maybe I will have to be content with changing it in very small ways. Then I won't feel so stressed, so overwhelmed, so responsible, so frustrated, so impatient, so judgmental. Now I guess I will go back to the school. Or to the new clothing shop called Fiction which has some alternative type clothes. A shop Sarah would like. Maybe I will get her a tshirt there. Like the one that says "665 - I live next to the Devil" lol. The owners of the shop are young, in their early twenties. They just started the shop without any licenses. They said later they will get a letter of permission from the district mayor or someone. But it seems incredibly easy to start your own business here. So I am even more convinced the school students could be doing it. And I am convinced it would be better for them than sitting in the classroom, where many times the teacher doesn't show up because they are not getting paid enough to make it worth their time. When I was in uni at Indiana U. we would leave if the teacher didn't show up after waiting 15 minutes. But here the students hang around the class or go down and play basketball or soccer. They don't leave the school. I think they could if they wanted. But I think they are afraid to even though they wouldn't really be punished much probably. And I also think they like to be with their friends. They don't seem to form small groups. They seem to stay in large groups. They don't like to leave one person behind for example. The day about 8 of them left the school to spend the morning with me they wouldn't leave until all of them were ready to go. I wanted one student to stay and type but they wouldn't leave without him.

Yet on the same day I did see a sign of individuality. One student didn't like what we were doing so he went home very early. I am sure some adults would have "reported" him to the school authorities, but I figure it was his choice. Maybe he even went back to school. I really don't know. They seemed to like the morning out of school, but later I heard that some didn't like it. They are not very emotionally honest here. They will lie so they won't hurt others feelings. And they will lie to their parents too so they won't get lectured to or punished. One girl lost her cell phone and she is lying to her mother, saying it just isn't working. Someone else is lying to his mother about something, though he is being honest to his father. To me there is a real problem when your children are afraid to tell you the truth. And when they are afraid to be emotionally honest. They don't have the same rigid social rules like England for example, but there are still too many for my preference. Some students said it was "not polite" that I wore shorts to class, for example. The other night I talked to one of the students. She was wearing very short shorts. I didn't even notice till we had talked for a long time. I told her the story about "In God we trust". This is about the person that told me Indonesia now has something like this on its money since the USA puts this on its bills. She said that this is the reason the USA economy has done so well. So some people in the Indonesian government think that if they put this on their money, the Indonesian economy will do well also. I asked the student if she believed this. To my relief, she said no. lol There were some other people sitting there too and no one else believed it either. So that was encouraging.

This reminds me of the issue of cause and effect. A more advanced society does a better job of understanding the relationship between these two. For example, does writing something on your money cause the economy to prosper? If so then this would imply we could all sit around and do nothing and just wait for the economy to improve. Or does something else cause the economy to do well? If so, what is it that causes a prosperous economy? In the film they said, "Education does not make one happy" yet people in most places around the world, no matter how "advanced" they are, seem to believe that education does make one happy because it makes one "suceessful" and thereby happy. A=B and B=C. So A=C.

For those of you who are not good at math, like my friend Sarah, A = education, B= Success and C= Happiness. But I have learned that A does not = B and B does not = C, nor does A=C. This is one of the major myths of our current society. Another myth is that the "war against terrorism" will stop violent expressions of resentment and hatred. This makes no more sense than having a "war against violence." But no one is interested in my opinion. Or so it seems sometimes. So now I have to decide what to do. Do I go to sleep, go to see my friend at Fiction to see if he will help me talk to the people who lost their homes or go to the school? I will lay down and think about it! lol.

ok - i decided to go to the school.

now I am at the school - the students from the morning school did not have to wear their uniforms. it was so nice to see them expressing their individuality in their own clothes.