October 2000

Reflections on my depressed mood - 10/2/2000

For a few days now I have been feeling all the feelings which I
listed in my earlier entry - ie discouraged, rejected, etc.

I have been thinking lots of things over. That is one thing nice
about not having to go to school and not having to go to work and
not having a television or a radio. My only source of distraction
from my feelings and my thoughts is the internet - open diary
mostly. - well except for playing in the woods :)

At the beginning of my experience with OD I really was motivated-
motivated to write about my own life and write to help the teens or
future parents. I could relate to the teens because I still feel
lingering feelings of many things which they are experiencing.

But then I got attacked and invalidated and rejected. Or at least
lets say I felt that way, even if that wasn't the intent of the
people who helped me feel that way. As many of the teens are I am
very sensitive, some would say I am too sensitive, but I feel
defensive and invalidated and not understood or supported when
people say something like that. It used to bother me more than it
does now, but I do still feel defensive when someone says or
implies that.

I am realizing now that just one or two unsupportive, critical
entries really can have a strong effect on me. That is not healthy
for me. In other words to be so affected by what I call OPO or
other people's opinions. One reason I came to this secluded spot
was to get away from people, then I found Open Diary and was back
in contact with people. First it helped me feel less isolated. Then
I realized how different I am from everyone else, or at least the
majority of others.

I thought people on OD were more sensitive, more insightful than
average, and I guess that is true, but still there are a lot of
unhappy people who seem to feel better by attacking others.

Now I am afraid someone might think I am being hypocritical since
I analyze other people's diaries - or at least I was. But I know
that I am trying to be helpful and trying to have compassion for
people and trying to be very careful in how I say things. I am not
100% successful at this, but I know in my own "heart" that I am
trying.

I sometimes feel critical and sarcastic and cynical and judgmental-
okay, maybe I feel that way a lot - but anyhow I am at least making
an attempt to not act on my initial, negative feelings. I try to
find some good in them and some positive value.

Anyhow, I decided I will try to focus on the positive, supportive
comments, and just delete the negative ones after giving them some
consideration as to what truth there may be in them. But as the
saying goes it is probably not healthy to "dwell" on them. By dwell
I simply mean to spend a disproportionate amount of time on them.
I would not tell someone else not to "dwell" on something, because
that would sound invalidating, but I can see that it is not healthy
for me to focus so much on the negative feedback I have received.

I don't know if I will keep writing in OD or not. If I do it will
be more for me and less for others. Or I may write for others, but
not for individuals, since then may feel judged or attacked or
violated. Maybe I will just write in general terms or maybe I won't
use people's names. Or maybe I will ask permission first. I tried
to do this once but was attacked even before I wrote anything
publicly, so I learned that people- some or many - are easily put
on the defensive and often when they feel defensive they go on the
attack. Few people simply say "I feel defensive." Sometimes I think
I live in a dream world - to think that people would express their
feelings with feeling words. Such a simple concept. But we are so
far from that.

Yet still I feel a glimmer of optimism that there are the one or
two or three people who will understand what I am saying, who will
see the direction I am going and who will feel supportive and
educated or even enlightened by my writing.

Being sensitive is something like a tool, it can be used to help or
hurt. Sometimes my sensitivity helps me connect with others and
sometimes it hurts me, sometimes it puts me on the defensive or it
shuts down my ability to feel compassion for someone else and
sometimes it causes me to go on the offensive.

I want so badly to make a difference in the world. I went into
seclusion to write because my feelings were too strong to be
surrounded by what I saw and felt everyday.

I also left my family because they weren't supportive emotionally.
At first I felt supported on OD, then I felt unsupported, rejected,
etc. I did something I regretted once and apologized to someone,
but got no reply from her, so I feel unforgiven as well (I don't
want to leave any feelings out, because I know they will keep
simmering inside me if I do.)

Anyhow, I guess what I am seeing is I have to be selective in who
I surround myself with. I went through my notes today and deleted
lots of them- most of them. Perhaps I will be left with just a few
people who I connect with. Right now there is Sarah, for example,
but she is so young that we can only connect on a couple of levels
- not on a deep intellectual, philosophical level for example. And
she may kill herself any day. I have to prepare myself for that and
fortify myself. I will feel somewhat responsible if she does and a
great loss and an intense sadness and probably some rage at the
people in her life who hurt her and who did not help her. But if I
allow myself to go into a depression, to feel discouraged, which I
know I will, to feel powerless, which I will also, then how can I
help anyone else? And what about myself? My own philosophy is that
we must take care of our own needs first.

So all of this is to say that I am going to try to get back in line
with my own goals; try to not be so affected by OPO, try to build
my own support network here; not feel so impatient; stay focussed
on my long term goals of writing and creating a place for people to
come join me in my mission.

Now I will go check on the fire. I need some hot water for a warm
shower today.

Thanks - 10/2/2000

Thanks to the people who left me the messages from my earlier entry
today.

I just came out of the shower, which helped me feel better, opened
the blinds to let the sun in and checked to see if anyone had
happened to see that entry and comment on it. I know I said I don't
want to be influenced by OPO, but each of you just helped me feel
a bit better and affirmed - in the sense that I have to always be
true to myself, express my sincere feelings, and stay on my own
course.

I was very pleasantly surprised by the feedback. Thank you.

10/3 - part 1 - 10/3/2000

Yesterday it was warm again. Crazy country this Canada. 2 nights
ago my water hose froze. The last two days though I have been in my
shorts! Last night slept without burning the heater pilot light or
the stove burner. Interesting.

Appreciate each extra day of sunshine and warmth here- like a gift.

-
Went on bike ride to snowmobile bridge. Left bike and walked south
along the river. Went skinny dipping maybe for the last time this
year in Canada. Legs were stinging from the cold water! Only stayed
in about 20 seconds!

Started making stepping stones across the river in one place. Then
abandoned the project and just took my shoes off and walked across
barefoot. On the way back though I used a pole to vault myself from
one stone to another and made it across without getting my feet
wet! I spontaneously yelled out a shout of cheer, pride and relief.
I wondered if anyone hear me, but then I remembered I was far from
anyone so it wasn't likely. Sad that we can't shout out more often.
I think it's healthy. It is probably one of the ways society messes
up kids- by telling them to stop shouting when they are two-5 years
old. In other words, stop expressing yourself naturally.

I think of the time I shouted and swore at the youth camp and then
felt better immediately after, as if nothing had happened. I
shocked all the "adults" there though, who weren't used to such
emotional "outbursts." I am just an emotionally intense and
sometimes explosive person. I am not sure if is good or bad or
rather healthy or unhealthy generally speaking, or why I am this
way now, or if it is natural to still need to shout and sometimes
scream at the top of your lungs when you are an "adult" - in other
words I don't know if I have this need because of how my brain
connections were messed up when I was young or if it is just
natural and I am simply becoming more in line with my natural
instincts and needs.

One day they will have better brainscans which can show what
happens inside the brain.

Which leads me to one of the things I wanted to write about-
learning- about the brain for example.

When kids - or anyone - are depressed it seems that engaging the
mind in learning something might be helpful.

Other things I thought of to help un-depress: go into nature. For
me it is hard to be depressed when I surround myself with nature.
I get depressed when I sit inside, but when I go outside,
especially when I go for a walk in the woods, especially where
there is no trail, my depression seems to lift and allow me to
think without feeling so weighted down.

On a not so related note I was thinking about Dale Carnegie's book
"How to stop worrying and stop living."

He says some pretty interesting things about worrying. But what
teenager has ever read Dale Carnegie? Or anything about worry? What
life skills are they being helped with? Well, I know the answer to
those questions, so there is no point to getting energized over
them. (I don't say angry- I say energized, in case you didn't know)

I wish more people would read my web page. But I am starting to see
how OD works. People don't come here to learn like they would go to
the library. They just come here to write and to connect with other
people. I think it is mostly to connect with other people.

Several people have written about how it is addictive, and I have
experienced that also, or rather I am experiencing it and trying to
monitor my own use or abuse of it. I think the problem is, or one
problem is, is that it is only a substitute for the actual
connection we need as human beings. Like I have sort of connected
with Sarah, but I can't fill all her needs for connection. We have
connected when we have chatted, but we have never met and we may
never meet. The connection she needs is with her mother, who is
dead, and her father, who abuses her. So she will probably never
get all her needs for connection met. She is already trying to fill
her needs for connection with the internet, in chat rooms and in
OD, and with relationships with members of the opposite sex. She
told me she has kissed about thirty guys already. She is 14 by the
way. I think that is a lot for 14. Or even for 24. (If you ever
read this, Sarah, and don't want me to use your name, just tell me,
but I think it is okay. Or if you feel defensive or something, just
let me know.)

Anyhow, so what was I saying? One trouble with having lots of
thoughts is that they go off in different directions, like trails
in the woods. But if you have read this far your mind probably
works about the same way.

Well, I was saying something about how OD works. (That is one nice
thing about writing- u can just scroll up!)

(My fingers are a little stiff. It is 7:30 and while it looks like
it will be sunny and warm today it is chilly enough inside to get
to my fingers. A keyboard warmer would be a nice invention for
typing in the woods in the winter! You can't really use gloves....
hmmm I guess keyboards weren't designed for people like me, but I
am sure I could rig up something if I wanted! For example I could
use the 12 volt heater I got from Canadian Tire last year.)

But anyhow, I see now that on OD if I want people to read my stuff
I have to leave notes. I also see that the teens aren't very
interested in the kinds of stuff I write about. And I see that I
therefore don't feel very appreciated and I realize I have an unmet
need for appreciation. Now the question is can I just somehow turn
off that need or redirect it? Can I tell myself that the universe
(to use a new age term - by the way why don't kids learn about new
age religion and all the other religions so they can be exposed to
the many belief systems of the world? If they were exposed to lots
of them I think they would be less likely to get stuck on one as
many of their parents have done, and their political leaders)

But back to appreciation. (I apologize to anyone who is trying to
read this! This obviously is mostly my own thought development. I
don't say "rambling" because to me that implies it has no value,
and I think when one questions and tries to answer ones own
questions it always has value even if it is not immediately
apparent, or even if it is not valued by others let's say)

continued in part 2

10/3 part 2 - 10/3/2000

So back to appreciation. Do I really need to feel appreciated? Yes
and no.

Yes because it helps inspire and motivate me. No because if I focus
on my unmet need for appreciation it discourages me.

I want to write, by the way, for about a year now that is what
keeps coming up when I think about how I can be of most value to
the human species. So when I say it inspires me, I mean it inspires
me to write, or perhaps to work on creating my EQ nature retreat
kinds of places- or maybe workshop material. All of these are
related to my goal of contributing to the evolution of the species.

The sun is starting to light up the trees now. I am glad I stayed
in Canada this long. They are beautiful It has been a long time
since I experienced the beauty of fall with the changing colors of
the leaves. The mountain top is mostly red and yellow and lower it
is mostly dark green from the evergreens.

The colors were so pretty yesterday. I might go back out again
today.

So back to appreciation.

It seems that if I feel unappreciated it discourages me.
And it just pretty much stops me dead in my tracks so to
speak. I haven't worked on my web page in about two weeks
or so mostly because I felt unappreciated by one of the
big shots in emotional intelligence. This sounds kind of
childish, but it is the truth.

In a way I am punishing him by not writing about his
journal articles, or so it seems. But actually I am
probably hurting myself more. And I don't even believe in
punishment in general terms. So it seems a bit ridiculous
that I would say I am punishing him. But I somehow want
to express my feeling of unappreciation. I suppose I
could just write him and say I feel unappreciated. But
that seems so out of place- well it is out of place in
today's society. Who would ever write to a PhD professor
and say "I feel unappreciated." What a ridiculous
thought.

Or is it?

I make a big deal about emotional honesty, but I am not
being emotionally honest with him.

Hmmmm.

Guess it is time for some action.

Now here is a case where if I heard just one encouraging
word from someone, one supportive word, I might have just
the extra inspiration to take action.

I think of the Earl Nightengale tape where he talked
about the guy who first started to build a boat out of
steel. All boats were wood before that. The guy would sit
in a secluded spot and watch people walk by his partly
constructed boat. He would listen to what they had to
say. He said that he never heard one encouraging word!
Still though, he had enough belief in himself and self
confidence to continue building the boat. Interesting,
huh? Well it is for me anyhow.

--

Yesterday I read the diary of blackpearl. She wrote a
goodbye note to OD. Not because she was killing herself,
but because she was not going to write anymore since she
didn't like the feedback she was getting.

I empathized with her and I feel a loss for her leaving
the OD "family." I compared her situation to mine. I
decided I don't want to be like that. I don't want to get
caught up in arguments as she did. She was arguing or
debating or whatever with some guy named justaman.

It seems easy enough to just delete the guy's entries
without getting sucked into his "drama" as Redfield might
say (author of the Celestine Prophecy).

But then again, I know how much criticism can hurt. She
is a sensitive person, but if I dare say, she has less
insight into what was happening than I have about my own
situation.

Sometimes I feel insightful, like this morning, other
times I feel more hurt and defensive etc.

10/3 part 3 - 10/3/2000

If you ever meet me and remember this, ask me to tell you about the
obsessive guy I met in Spain. Well, I could write about it but I
see this is already over the limit and I have to break it in
two.....

Well, Phil* tells me he wants to get up and stretch.
So let me see if I can kind of wrap this up.

a. I want to write something for what people can do when they are
depressed - but the key really is to take action before you are
depressed. ie to start to see the warning signs. Just like the guy
said, the key to anger management is not what to do when you are
really really angry, but what to do so you don't get really really
angry

b. I learned somethings from the dd experience and am still
learning some. (Similar to my experience with Gretchen. I want to
learn all I can from each similar painful experience.)

c. I don't want to be overly influenced by OPO**

d. Feeling unappreciated is unhealthy for me and probably self-
sabotaging.

e. When you write something critical or which you think might be
taken as criticism or an attack, ask the person how they feel.
Maybe also just write a little and then stop and ask how they feel
before you continue. They might feel more hurt than you intended or
desired, so then you might feel some empathy for them and not
continue feeling as negative towards them. This is basically what
I did with deerdrops or whatever, but what she didn't do with me,
so I see more clearly what a big difference it makes.

f. Respect - I never got around to writing about it but I was
thinking about respect and hitting and respect and fear and the
comment that someone left who said her father used to hit her to
get her to be more respectful. But he was a bit confused about
definitions. Which rmo*** putting the thing from my web page into
eq_prof. I guess I will do that now....

* My body- physical Phil
** other people's opinions
*** reminds me of

Feeling encouraged - 10/3/2000

I just got an email from a Dutch guy in Australia who sounds very
interested in coming to work with me there! So I feel excited and
encouraged. My dream of creating a place or two or three for young
travellers with a special interest in emotions, psychology etc. is
slowly coming together!

He is the first guy who really sounds like a good match. He is 24
and has worked in social work and has started reading about
emotional intelligence.

Very encouraging!

brain dump 6:30 am - 10/5/2000

on od- write in your diary before you read notes - otherwise you
are likely to be in a reactive mode, responding to the notes and
letting them lead you rather than you leading the direction of your
thoughts.

--
- my family: mom's comments - almost as good as.... you
certainly... you are wrong when you say I didn't want you to go to
Florida

Frank to Alison - Now look what you have done

Dave wanting to hurry Becky out of school

--

- faith - in nature or in "allah"

- psychology majors - 1. go into it because of problems in family
2. become cognitively trained 3. don't learn much which helps them
3. become experts at analyzing others 4. don't learn how to follow
inner voice (blackpearl) - don't learn about invalidation (ashley)

- indian lady and daughter - how much do you feel understood

- cults - why don't we teach about them?

- sarah - afraid of her father, i am afraid also.

- she is going crazy - addicted to internet and father takes it
away.

------------

what if she went into school and said my dad is psychologically
abusing me or my dad had hit me before and I am afraid my dad will
hit me again?

develop a plan of action - a mission.

What if she said to her father: Do you want me to be afraid of you
or to respect you?

On my family - 10/5/2000

Some comments by my mother when I was in my thirties and first
started to anaylze the way she talked to me.

"Of course we can, you idiot." -- When she said that I stopped her
and said, "Mom, you just called me an idiot. Do you really think I
am an idiot?" I don't remember what she said, but I think it was an
apology of sorts. The important point here is that she had been
calling me an idiot (either directly or indirectly) for thirty some
years before I ever was consciousy aware of this. What effect might
this have had on my low self-esteem?

My low self-esteem & being sexually abused - 10/5/2000

I didn't know I had low self-esteem till I was about 35. That was
when, after my second divorce, I started some self-study.

I realized I had many symptoms of low self-esteem. Jealousy,
defensiveness, need to control, need to be right, need to win, need
to feel superior, etc.

But what I wanted to write about write now was being sexually
abused by a male university professor.

My body quivers just a little to write those words. I can sort of
anticipate some of the responses I will get. My heart beats a
little faster. I remember an entry where a girl wrote about being
raped and she said something like "You can't believe how hard it is
for me to write this...."

Now I start to get tears in my eyes. Not so much for my own trauma,
I guess you could call it, though it doesn't seem traumatic, but
for the girl that I don't even know.

I read once that sometimes we are more able to feel other people's
pain than our own.

My mother for example will cry over other people, but I am not sure
I have ever heard her cry over her own pain, which she has a
tremendous amount of.

Anyhow, when I was in college (uni) I was sexually assualted by a
sociology professor. I have started a web page on it if you want to
read about it. It is http://eqi.org/garnier.htm

He is still teaching there and I have emailed him and he has
ignored me. I have contacted some college officials and they have
mostly ignored me also, which reminds me I need to do something
more about it.

Anyhow, the point is that people with low self-esteem are more
likely to be abused. They don't know how to set healthy boudaries,
is one way of putting it.

But the whole main point of this entry is just to say that I
realize now that allowing myself to be abused (for I wasn't
physically forced) is a clear indication of my extremely low self-
esteem. So when I say I had or have low self-esteem this is one of
the reasons I say it.

And I guess I want to say to anyone who might read this, if you
have been abused in any fashion- even if it is "just" emotional and
psychological abuse, you are much more likely to be the victim of
some kind of more blatant abused such as being raped or sexually
assualted or harrassed, or physically abused by a partner.

You may not even think it is a very big deal, because you are so
used to similar or other forms of abuse, but it is a big deal, and
I urge you to stand up for yourselves and start fortifying your
self-esteem now. It is a life-long process, let me assure you.

The damage that is being done to you, if you are a teenager, is
having a huge long term affect on your brain, possibly even your
DNA according to some researchers. They say that abuse changes the
chemicals inside the brain and it can even change the structure of
the brain and the DNA of you body itself.

A final note about what happened to me. One thing which bothers me
is that I did nothing at the time. I never told anyone about it
until I was about 35. I have only told one family member, and that
was just this year. (I have 5 siblings by the way, yet they were
not much help to me when it came to emotional support)

Because I never told anyone at the university I feel somewhat
guilty because I am pretty much sure that this guy has taken
advantage of other vulnerable students. How many more I will never
know and neither will anyone else except the professor himself. So
I feel irresponsible to these other young males. Perhaps he also
sexually assaulted females too. I have no way of knowing.

So if you speak up, not only will you be helping yourself face
somethings which need to be faced, but you may save someone else
from being abused.

abuse part two - 10/5/2000

well it is 11:20 now. I have worked on this sexual abuse thing for
just about all morning. I wrote another letter and copied it to a
bunch of big shots at the school and to some people in the local
media.

We'll see what happens.

Writing about it here helped me feel strong enough to tackle the
issue again. I know some people out there will feel supportive and
that helps. A lot. So thanks. I didn't read my notes yet so I don't
know what people have said about my last note. But I have a good
feeling that I am supported by many people. And what the heck, even
if I am not, I believe it is the right thing to do, let's say the
healthy thing to do, I want to break the habit of saying
right/wrong.

And I believe it is a healthy model for the kids out there who are
being abused. Stand up for yourself. Take action. Speak out. Don't
stop till you are satisfied.

10/7/00 - 10/7/2000

My neighbor was proud to show me the rabbit he killed-I couldn't
imagine shooting a rabbit unless I were starving to death. It lay
there on his ATV with it's eyes wide open. Yuck.

Anyhow, I am just about ready to head to Australia, stopping in
Florida and San Francisco along the way. It is going to be a long
trip and I have mixed feelings about it.

A female friend in Oz who I thought would be happy to see me again
now seems to have some bitter feelings because I don't feel the
same as I used to for her. She doesn't realize she has a lot to do
with why I don't feel the same way anymore, like her negativity,
bitterness, hostility, etc. But she is basically a good person who
was messed up when she was young so I still like her and hope that
we will still keep a special friendship over the years.

I feel a little relieved because I felt pressured by her a bit, and
a little sense of loss. Mostly I am just thinking about packing up
and leaving Quebec. I love it here so much but the weather is
getting nastier daily. I may stay till the first snow, just cuz it
will be beautiful no doubt.

the rest of this is my brain dump from 1:00 or so in the morning
last night

("ta" means thinking about not thank you btw for anyone in
countries where they say "ta")

October 7, 2000 1:07am-
ta garnier - sent out a bunch of emails and only got a response
from bondanella and Brad Patterson.
woke up ta it. felt powerless. kind of amused. incredulous. oh -
also got a response from jtk.
thought - all those people didn't even acknowledge it. at least
when I send a message to network solutions, for example, I get an
automated response that says we received your message. It helps one
feel a little more acknowledged.
didn't hear from cathy - did i expect to? I guess I wanted a
supportive response from her
my beliefs- win win; don't use attorneys or violence, don't label,
(like when exploring new territory - one might say I don't know
which way is safe, but I know that if you go in that direction you
will get thrown down a dangerous waterfall, or if you climb up on
that side of the mountain you will run into loose rocks.
i felt powerless - a bit. when before I felt powerful as I sent out
all the emails. (inner voice - old, negative voice says "lot of
good it did" amy says, hey it did do some good. you shut up!"
something good will come out of it - laughing I think - at least I
got the dishes done with my surge of energy!
feel empowered by some e.s. (emotional support) that I got from
maige moon, some guy I don't know on OD, JTK, Bondanella,
also just won a small battle with anton mendoza with telcan.
memories of other conflicts - gretchen, chambers, (unresolved
ones... mainly)
att - compaq
still have some options - or many perhaps - can start writing
letters to all the sociology departments in the us, can write to
the sociology journals where garnier has published stuff.
want to be creative. feel creative. want to amuse myself, have fun
while fighting the battle, as the lady said from texas said at the
book fair.
new day for you song is in my mind - have more faith in (yourself)
3:02am- have been cleaning place. I love this place so much! It is
raining. I am bed now, listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter.

wrote to Olivier who helped me with my brochure.
thinking tomorrow I will go get some propane so I don't have to
worry about running out in the middle of a cold night.
am figuring out ways to keep this place warm without using much
propane.
made a little canopy for the bed the other day, put a mattress on
the shelf to insulate the window a bit, stuff like that.

remembered that another guiding principle is don't get attached to
the outcome.

perhaps the process is more important than the goal in the garnier
case.

I want to do what I do with integrity to my own principles.

runaway laws, runaway agency , commands - 10/9/2000

Did some research on them last night. Found out that it in the USA
it is illegal to "harbor" a runaway. By chance I happened to come
across some history on runaway slaves in the United States back in
the eighteen hundreds.

Guess what?

It was also illegal to harbor runaway slaves. If a slave escaped to
a northern state where slavery was not allowed, he could still be
forcibly returned to the southern state of his "Master" if he was
located. He was not entitled to a trial at all. He was not allowed
to tell anyone that he had been whipped and beaten for example.

His "master" simply informed the police that he was a runaway slave
and that was all the "due process" which was needed to force him
back.

As I understand it this is basically exactly the same way the laws
work for teenagers. In some states the laws read that the teen must
be returned to the parent unless there is "just cause" for leaving.
But who decides what just cause is? Obviously the teen felt
justified in leaving, but it is not the teen who has the final
choice.

So teens have a bit more chance to protect them selves and to
ensure their own safety and survival than slaves. But it is just a
bit.

-- I also found a site which operates the toll-free number in the
USA for teens to call. I read a bunch of their guestbook. Teens are
writing in with major problems and the editor of the guestbook
writes back to them in most cases as if they were just having a
toothache.

In one case a person asked what should I do if my friend is
thinking about running away - the first thing this guy at the
center recommended was "Tell them to talk to their parents..."

Um, now let's think about that. A kid feels desperate enough about
where he is living to consider running away. To me, the only time
a kid would ever consider running away from his primary source of
food and shelter - ie his basic survival needs - is if he has
already tried hundreds or thousands of times to be understood and
helped by his parents. How much sense does it make to say, "Go talk
to your parents"?

He or she CAN'T talk to their parents! That is one of the main
reasons they need to get out.

Wow! Does it take a PhD in psychology to figure that out?

Besides that, the guy at the center is telling the friend to start
giving the other kid instructions. What about the idea of just
listening and showing emotional support and understanding?

When you tell people what to do you are creating either dependency
or rebelliousness.

I worked at a crisis intervention place and one of the mail things
they stressed was NEVER give advice or tell someone what to do.
Instead, help them identify their feelings and options. And help
them figure out what would help them feel better.

Now, I might give a few people suggestions, but rarely will you see
me ever use the imperative form of the verb, or in other words the
command form. ie Do this. Do that. Go here. Go there. Talk to so
and so. In English grammar all these examples are using the command
form of the verb. I don't know about you, but I don't like to be
told what to do, and I don't like to be commanded.

But someone who listens to me and helps me clarify and sort out my
own thoughts and feelings is a big help.

10/9/00 - 10/9/2000

felt overwhelmed again this morning
was ta (thinking about) runaway laws for example. Did some writing
and put it in od just now.

as I was writing the entry I wrote this:

(I am so upset right now, this is Steve speaking, that I can hardly
type! I feel highly frustrated! damn I keep making so many mistakes
and I keep missing the back space key - I am laying down in the top
bunk and there isn't enough room to sit up. I am up here because it
is warmer, but it is actually too hot now! so what would help me
feel better? Duh, to get down from here. Okay good idea.. )

then I got up, moved to the lower level, had some oatmeal - didn't
heat the water enough though so it was a bit yucky!

-- then I wrote something on hi iq low eq which I will put in od
now....

---
then I wrote some more about the runaway site I visited last night
at 2 or so in the morning. - which I will put in od now also...

---

then I wrote this:

---- also was feeling overwhelmed bc i was ta psycho swimmer who
wrote and said she has at times felt hated by god and undeserving
of his love. How do you respond to that? How do I explain to her
that if she were brought up in a non christian culture she would
never have such unhealthy thoughts? I have never, ever heard a
Buddhist say he felt hated by Buddha, for example. I am not a
Buddhist by the way. Nor do I consider myself a follower of any
"religion."

The poor kid feels, I assume, constantly watched by god. What a
burden to place on a child. If the message truly was god loves you
and unconditionally accepts you, (which is basically the New Age
way) this would be a different story. But the way she was taught
religion, was the old fashioned way, which is based on fear,
punishment, guilt, duty, obligation, commandments, sin, judgment,
eternal hell etc.

So what can I say to her- I can't very well say that her beliefs
are a bunch of crap. So I feel a little powerless - I want to help
her because I really like her.

She is smart and energetic and insightful for any age. She is
struggling to define herself apart from her peers and culture and
I really admire that. I want to be a positive influence in her
life, but what can I say when she says she feels hated by god and
has thought of killing herself because she doesn't feel worthy of
living?

Should I tell her to "smile' like goody goody Dear Flabby? Should
I tell her to "just be thankful your dad gives you a roof over your
head? Yeah, that would really be a big help. (Here is an example of
a religious person who tells people to smile and be grateful:
http://opendiary.com/entryview2.asp?authorcode=A107352&entry= 10262)

I guess what i am saying sarcastically is I resent these goody
goody, always be happy, ie fake, people who don't have a clue to
real pain and turmoil and who go around invalidating people.

oh my. I may have to take a climb in the mountains to burn off some
energy! But I am proud of myself for at least settling down a lot
more than I was a year ago when I was driving around living in my
car! And I am more focused with my writing and thoughts. I still
have lots of thoughts which appear to be disorganized - ie stream
of consciousness, but that is okay. Everything helps prepare me for
the next step in my growth and personal evolution. And it helps me
become more able to make a contribution to the evolution of the
species.
Leave me a note if you actually read this far! LOL.
I'd say thanks - but this was for me. But Amy says, thanks, Steve.
Amy is my amygdala, by the way- the emotional center of the brain.
She sends me a little hug and says she loves me. She is cool. She
is a lot of fun. She says, "so are you, SP."

---

then I started a page in geocities called "abusedteens"

http://geocities.com/abusedteens

hi iq, low eq, elections - 10/9/2000

ta - elections - from ta high iq low eq ppl being more dangerous
because they have more power - made me think of clinton- how he
thinks business is the answer. He is almost as pro-business as the
republicans.

then i thought about how much money it takes to get elected. then
I thought about the internet - how it doesn't cost much to have a
web site. then i thought about voting and how the internet could be
used to test people's knowledge of the candidates. if they didn't
know some basic things, then they wouldn't be allowed to vote.

Now I am thinking why not have a general knowledge test? I have
long thought that intelligence or wisdom or knowledge or
responsibility would make a better criterion than age for deciding
who gets to vote.
With the internet it would be possible. But what about the few
people who don't have ready access to it? I would say that already
it is easy enough to find access in a library for someone who is
motivated, also we could open up the schools and colleges.

Of course I really don't like democracy since the majority of the
people are not able to make good long term decisions. As I wrote
the other day, the majority of people frighten me.

But no I don't have an easy alternative to democracy - and ease is
one of the reasons democracy is popular. You don't have to do much
thinking on how you decide who selects the leaders. If they happen
to have lived a certain number of days, they can vote. It doesn't
matter how they have lived. It doesn't matter how much they have
contributed to society (and besides how would you measure that -
again it is "too hard" so it is not considered.) It doesn't matter
if they have been a net liability to society. It doesn't matter
what kind of dysfunctional beliefs they have or how falsely they
might have been educated. The only thing that matters is that they
are still breathing on a certain day.

--

but back to iq and eq- people with high iq and low eq are the most
dangerous to society. A low iq person will never have access to
very much power. About the most power they will have access to is
a 40 ton truck or an automatic weapon. With that they can only kill
a certain number of people. Even in the military, it takes more
intelligence to have access to the most destructive weapons. Any
army grunt can have access to a machine gun and a hand grenade, but
one has to be a tad bit smarter, say 8th grade level perhaps, to
have access to a tank.
But an intelligent person can get into politics and influence
legislation which affects millions or billions of people. Take the
US president Clinton- he is a man with exceptionally low EQ- as I
define it. Yet with genius or near genius IQ. He comes from a
highly dysfunctional family.

ok that is enough on that.

runaways, greyhound, and "selfishness" - 10/9/2000

The runaway center with the toll free number also organizes a
program to give runaways free rides on the interstate bus system,
which is Greyhound in the US. But it is only free if you are going
back home! To me we should be encouraging kids to get out of their
dysfunctional homes, not to go back to them!!

If a kid runs away things are extremely bad in the home. Kids don't
run away just because they didn't get to watch their favorite tv
show one night. No, it takes a history of repeated abuse, even if
it is "just" psychological abuse. There is a powerful survival
force genetically inherent in kids which creates a strong tie to
the parent.

Simply put, kids need parents for their survival when they are
infants. This survival instinct continues to have a strong impact
on the children into the teenage years. It takes a seriously
abusive, unhealthy, unnatural environment to offset the powerful
instinctive nature to remain with the parent. It is natural for
parents to protect and nurture their child. And to help the child
grow not only physically but psychologically. This includes self-
esteem growth.

Children start out with high self-esteem. They feel confident and
bold and they take many risks as they learn their way around. When
a child begins to sense that they are not being helped to grow, but
instead their self-esteem is actually being poisoned, it is in
their survival interests to make whatever changes are necessary. If
they are in a toxic environment, the natural thing to do is to try
to get away from it. This is as simple to understand as saying that
if we are in a burning building it is natural to want to escape
from it.

Returning a child to a burning building is simply not in the best
interests of the child or the society.

Something else which bothered me about this runaway organization.
In one of the replies the writer for the center told a parent that
teenagers are selfish. But what does selfish mean?? It simply means
trying to get your own needs met. We are all selfish until our own
needs are met.

If I am starving, is it selfish for me to think of eating? If I am
falling off of a mountain side, is it selfish of me to reach out to
try to hang on to someone? I think not. I believe it is a totally
natural and healthy survival response.

So what about adults who appear to be selfish? I believe they
simply have unmet emotional needs. Their human emotional needs were
not met when they were children.

Calling them selfish is not going to help fill these needs anymore
than calling a starving person selfish will fill their stomach.

--

If you want to see what I believe some of these needs are you can
see them on my site eqi.org/needs.htm

Someone trying to convert me to Jesus - 10/9/2000

I just got this in my mail. Rather than delete it I decided to put
it here. I used to debate with people like this but now I pretty
much laugh at them. At the same time I feel sad for them and
discouraged... but what would be the point to write back to someone
like this?

Gosh, I am really tempted to.... I could show her my web page with
my bible notes... that might be fun.

I probably have read more of it than she has. Okay, I will take
votes cuz I am undecided on this one- should I write back or not.
I don't think she really wants me to, actually.

She didn't ask, how I felt after reading her email, so I guess she
isn't interested in my feelings, much less my beliefs.

Anyhow, here it is.
.
.

Dear Steve,
Maybe you are going to read this and think 'she's stupid' but I
sincerely believe that NO solution but JESUS CHRIST will fix the
emotional problems of people. I'm not writing this to critize the
work
done on emotions and emotional intelligence - but just how happy,
loved
etc can you feel if you don't know why you are here??
I think that you wrote the page which had a personal story in which
you
felt destructive because a law student still believed in a planned
creation by a loving creator and not the 'rational' evolution
THEORY.
This account made me hurt for you.
You see, I believe sincerely in creation, I may only be a 17year
old
girl and this may not give me much credibilty, but both my parents
and
my three brothers also believe this 'irrational' creation and we
have a
HAPPY LOVING family. btw both my parents are science teachers, my
mother a biology teacher.
There are numerous scientists who also belive this 'irrational'
creation
and many, many, high-profile politicans etc. I guess since you
yourself
are an intelligent man you will understand that one should examine
something CLOSELY before discarding it. I have looked into
evolution
and everything I read points to a pretty THEORY but a horrible
fact. If
eveloution was to be real then surely there would be enough proof
to
support the theory.
Just a few questions which I've asked when considering
evolution....
How did CHAOS evlove into the perfect law and order that abounds
(ask
any physics or chemistry students, law after law is learnt)
Why can't scientists agree on the age of the earth, not to mention
the
universe?
What was there before there was the big bang?
Why has nothing evolved snice humans have been WRITING history
down?
These are just a few of the problems I have with evolution, and of
course the fact that more and more evidence SUPPORTING the Bible is
being found every day, and FAR more intelligent people than I
believe/d
in a loving creator who cared about us so much He came to earth and
died
in our place to take our punishment so that we might live. (very
Christianese I know but you say you have church connections so I'm
sure
you understand it)
Well if you've read this far at least your mind isn't completely
closed
and I pray that you will look into this a little further than just
my
email. (btw ever thought what that law student might FEEL if they
stumble across your page??)

Yours Sincerely
Peta Saunders
.
.
.

I wonder why they always have to SHOUT at us?? Seems if "god" were
so powerful he could communicate directly with me and not have his
followers going around shouting at people like me!

10/11/00 - 10/11/2000

lots of feelings this morning

content with my little caravan, sad for the loss of a couple of
people, reflective, motivated (to get back to work on my emotional
intelligence website & research), enlightened, educated, respect,
admiration, appreciation,
yesterday when I got an email from C. I felt attacked,
misrepresented, falsely accused, betrayed, (because she uses my own
words against me - even things that I did not tell her directly but
that I wrote in a personal journal before I ever met her) provoked.
I started to feel hostile, vengeful, hurtful, sarcastic,
judgmental.

Today I am proud of myself for recognizing all of those feelings
and not acting on them. I feel some sympathy for her, some
compassion. She wants me badly and needs me or someone in her life,
but she is acting self-destructively. She is pushing me farther and
farther away. Not only do I want to get away from her but I even
almost want to hurt her in the process. That is the old me. I don't
want to go back there, as Mary Chapin Carpenter sings. (House of
Cards, I think)

Yesterday was filled with female stuff. I am still not finding
satisfaction in that area of my life. I am trying to be honest with
everyone but it is not working well. Maybe I am just being honest
with the wrong people. I feel integritous though and I plan to stay
on my course, so to speak. I was accused of not acting in integrity
by C. but I didn't see any real truth to that. I think she was
desperately trying to provoke a reaction from me because the last
time I wrote her I showed almost no emotion, and that is because I
didn't feel much emotion. I used to have intense feelings for her,
but she did a series of things which put those feelings out like
water on hot coals. Maybe she is crying from the smoke coming off
the coals now. But she doesn't realize how she has contributed to
the smoke and the dying fire. She read my web page but didn't seem
to get much from it. She simply seemed to use it as ammunition to
attack me. I wrote that accepting responsibility releases
resentment, but she never "got that." She is very bitter, or v.
bitter as they say in her country, but she doesn't see the
connection between her bitterness and my little saying on
connection.

Just the day before that I was chatting with my best female friend,
who I met about five years ago. I told her basically that we would
probably not ever be more than very special friends. I have told
her this every time the subject has come up. Yet she still feels
hurt rejected and then a little bitter also, but not as much as C.
C is skilled in the art of verbal warfare, but P. is not. P. is
more non-violent, non-competitive by inner nature I think, and
perhaps by environment as well. As children, C. would fight back
and P would go in her room and cry alone.

I also feel sad for my friend Sarah. I guess it is okay to say who
she is. I will tell you in the second part of this. Right now I
will just say that her best male friend was killed on Sunday night.
Right before her eyes. Amy (see my entry which has conversation
with Amy in the title if you don't know who Amy is) is starting to
cry now. She really likes Sarah. We call Sarah "spunky." We feel so
bad for her and we can't be with her at the funeral, but we thought
of going. Unfortunately it is pretty much impractical because of
the distance and timing. Still I would like to be there for Sarah.

continued - 10/11/2000

continued...

Anyhow, Sarah is "Pain Inside"

We have chatted a lot and it seems I am the only adult who seems to
give a damn about her. Which pisses me off and saddens me at the
same time. Amy sheds a tear....
Or I guess I could say *amy sheds a tear...* as is the way OD
people seem to do that stuff.

Sarah can't talk to her mom about it cuz her mom is dead. She can't
talk to her dad cuz, to paraphrase her words he is a (edited out).
In other words she doesn't feel listened to by him, cared about by
him, trusted by him, emotionally supported by him, understood by
him, accepted by him, respected by him etc. --- or at least I think
that pretty well describes it.

She tried to talk to a school counselor but he wasn't much help
either. I won't repeat what she said about him!

I feel kind of powerless and guilty cuz one night a few nights ago
I was really sleepy and I saw that she had just signed into hotmail
instant messenger but I was in the upper bunk and couldn't really
type write then and was so sleepy that I didn't say "Hey Spunky"
when I saw her name come up and heard that little noise it makes.
Instead I just basically pretended like I wasn't there cuz I needed
my sleep I thought and now I feel kind of selfish for that. I
apologized to her and told her and she said it is okay, but I still
feel bad. I guess I am sort of castigating myself which isn't
healthy, but I really do feel bad and no one telling me not to feel
that way is going to help much.

I am glad I told her the truth and that she didn't hold it against
me (which is one of the things I admire her for - I don't see her
attacking people or being bitter much at all- not like many of the
kids and like C. for example)

Anyhow, I am glad I was there for sarah to chat with about it last
night, but still wish there was more I could do. *another tear*

This is the fourth death in her life now. Her mom, one friend who
died (i am not sure how) another who killed himself and now Joel.
She told me a few days ago that he really understood her. She said
they had been friends a long time and that he recently asked her to
go out with him and she said yes. I asked how she felt in three
feeling words and she said "good, great, wonderful." That was like
two days before she saw him get killed. *more tears*

I admire her for not killing herself the next day. She has felt
suicidal and has cut herself lots of times it sounds like, so if I
were religious I would thank god that she didn't kill herself. but
i guess I should thank sarah and nature for giving her the genes to
say survive.

Funny how you can care about someone so much and never even have
met them.

Something just clicks when we chat. She is so open and so
expressive and so emotional. And she has a good inner sense of
right and wrong or justice or healthiness. She is in a really
unhealthy environment, surrounded by lots of dysfunction, but still
she somehow can laugh when we chat. She laughs easily and cries
easily. That is one thing I love about her. Her cuzin told me that
Sarah said if we were the same age she would like me as a boyfriend
and that is about the nicest compliment I have gotten in a while.

*smile*

*deep breath*

I was tempted to lecture her when she talked about getting drunk,
but didn't. I respect her and so far we are doing okay as far as
her being honest and open with me and listening to me a little. I
don't want to push it.

sexual abuse by my professor - 10/15/2000

I have been thinking about my efforts to change the world - this
time to change Indiana University's policy on reporting and
investigating sexual abuse.

Right now their policy states that abuse must be reported within
one year for them to investigate it. But it took me about twenty
years to admit it to anyone.

I have done quite a bit of work on this latest crusade of mine. You
can read about it at eqi.org/garnier.htm

my mission - 10/15/2000

Helping others is part of my mission on earth-- to help others in
their growth.

I want to make myself the most wise, stable and healthy person i
can. i want to be the best model of emotional health that i can. i
want to be the best friend that i can to those rare people who can
relate to me on my level.

Feeling proud of myself - 10/16/2000

I just deleted an entry that was bothering me.

man, did I get hot about it. I really felt defensive and hostile!
I started thinking of all these ways to get back at him, so I guess
I need to add vengeful...

none of these are healthy emotions in this particular situation....

anyhow i went outside to do some work, then I decided to come in
and add some more to my counter attack on this guy - I won't tell
you what I said in the first note I wrote to him - it really
doesn't matter much. What matters more is how I handle it when I
feel defensive attacked, hostile vengeful etc.

I felt judged and offended. I felt sarcastic too. I used to be
quite good at tearing people apart verbally. lol

But I am trying to move beyond that. I remembered how wk
(whimsical) let her self get sucked into this fight with some guy
on od. I thought - nah, I am not going to do that. you know those
stupid wwjd bracelets - well I ask myself wwwd? And then I do the
opposite! lol I am kind of joking but kind of serious - as Willy
said "many a truth is spoken in jest" - you know willy - that dead
English guy who wrote Hamelt and Romeo and Juliet...

But more seriously, I sort of think in memory of her and in honor
of her I will try to handle this better.

I knew each time I saw the entry it would re-kindle those negative
feelings.

Instead, now I will see this entry and feel proud and feel grown,
for lack of a better word.

Yep, I think this is definitely better.

--Though I am afraid someone is going to say "but you can learn
from the critical notes...." so I feel a little defensive about
that even though no one wrote it yet...

hmmm...

okay - on second thought - maybe I can learn from this blankety
blank guy.

maybe i can look at it like he was telling me in a crude way that
he was concerned about me because he was afraid I was investing too
much time in a very far-fetched possibility. and so I will say,
yep, i agree...... asshole!

lol

The Krishna Cult and Child Abuse - 10/20/2000

Here is an example of what I would call a dysfunctional belief and
another reason why I am not religious:

The Krishna's are being sued for child abuse in their schools. You
can read about it at

http://www.islandnet.com/krsna/lawsuit/press/press.htm

In a Krishna publication some brainwashed guy gives this reason why
there are not more followers are joining in the class action
against the cult.

"Maybe it is because most devotees who have been wronged understand
(from the philosophy) that everything that happens to us is either
a result of our previous karma or the direct dispensation of Lord
Krishna himself."

So in other words, if we are sexually abused as children we are not
supposed to try to do anything to either a)hold the responsible
people accountable or b) stop it so more kids won't get abused.

While this sounds almost laughable to anyone who is not a "Krishna"
it is not much different than what the Christian beliefs are and
what many parents try to tell their kids.

Basically it says that whatever abuse was inflicted upon you, no
matter how young you were, what you did or didn't do, or how
horrible the abuse -- you deserved it. And, what's more, it is all
part of the wonderful, divine, master plan of Lord Krishna, God,
Allah or whatever other make-believe name you want to use.

Feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, destructive etc. - 10/21/2000

4:23 am
Frustrated because I don't think I am doing enough with my life.
Not helping enough people. Not productive enough. So I guess I
could say I am not feeling helpful enough and productive enough. So
that is a clue to what I need to do differently to feel more
satisfied.
Thinking about abuse a lot. Feeling overwhelmed by all the web
sites I have been visiting on abuse - corporal punishment in
schools for example. Feel infuriated and powerless. Feel torn. Feel
energized from feeling infuriated, but drained from feeling
powerless. Feel paralyzed. Want so smash something- haven't felt
this way much for a long time. Felt it often in the US. Smashing
something helps us feel powerful. I feel defeated or nearly so by
this abuse stuff from the uni professor. Like trying to fight the
US government, which I have also done before in my life. No, not
quite as bad- there are still a few humans at the school. Have
thoughts of smashing my computer. Tossing it in the river. Stomping
on it. Smashing it with the hatchet. Would be kind of fun. A little
expensive though. Used to smash cereal boxes. Could do that.
Laughing helps. Haven't talked to Sarah in a while. Afraid she is
in trouble. Miss our chats But I am not sure where they were
heading. I don't want to become dependent on chatting with anyone.
And I don't want anyone to become dependent on chatting with me.
Want to spend less time on OD, but use the time more productively.
Want to find people who will help me with my work. Or people I can
visit in person. Chatting is not fulfilling enough for me. Feeling
a little lonely. Could jump in the river to shock my system into
action. Place is a mess. Would feel better if I cleaned it. But not
motivated to do it right now.Still want to smash something. Like
that soup can and think of Garnier as I smash it. Could get a
voodoo doll and stick pins in it. Or I could do something more
useful like send out some more emails. Haven't had much response
from the ones I did send out though. The chancellor didn't write
this week. Am a little afraid I won't hear from him. Feel
impatient, skeptical a little. But want to remain optimistic. How
long can one remain optimistic though in the face of reality? Of
course I realize I create my own reality to some extent. I am sure
a lot of people feel defensive, intimated by me. They are not used
to someone who expresses their feelings with feeling words. I am
and oddball, an outcast, a freak. Yet I think I am closer to nature
and what is natural than they are. Guess I will check my email.
Maybe something encouraging there. Have to take one day at a time
like an alcoholic. I feel like an alcoholic sometimes. But how does
an alcoholic feel? Overwhelmed, unfulfilled, frustrated,
unproductive, useless, worthless, ashamed, guilty, dirty, poor,
lonely, isolated, miserable, not cared about. Lots of nice things
like that. But fortunately I am not addicted to alcohol or any
other drugs. Except maybe certain inner chemicals that my brain
needs. I don't really feel addicted to anything. Not much anyhow.
I can walk away from pretty much everything. But then the whole
cycle seems to repeat it self. The cycle of feeling useless or
nearly useless, overwhelmed, insignificant. I remember the words
that girl used: safe and significant. I do feel safe. Mostly, but
still some irrational fears and some legitimate ones. But I am
pretty physically safe here. Been here two and a half months and no
one has bothered me. Know Pierre now and he would help me out. He
would probably here if something was wrong. Not likely any one is
going to attack me or try to rob me. Don't have any enemies here.
And I don't look like I have any money. Okay. I feel better. Now I
will get back to work, or work as I call it.

------

have not been spending as much time on od -have not been reading my
notes. was too note obsessed. too worried about opo - other
people's opinions. wasn't fulfilling. need to concentrate more on
my own writing, work, goals etc. have been productive since i
wokeup. 9:40 now and getting sleeeeeeeeepy.

10/21/00 - 10/21/2000

Just got this message from a visitor to my website:

----------
Just a note to say thank you for developing your very thorough
website. Especially including specific advice for controlling anger
and negative thoughts. Precisely what I needed to know right now
rather than then usual "go smile and make a sunny day" advice I
keep running up against whenever I seek information on these
topics.

My prayers for you in your continuing battle against bureaucracy at
IU. Fight the good fight, it may encourage others to do so also.

God bless,
Dejanet
-----------

Now this is interesting. I am tempted to write her and say that if
she wouldn't hang around all the religious people she wouldn't get
invalidated so much. But instead I have satisfied my need to "vent"
by writing about it here.

I did appreciate her supportive comments. I always have mixed
feelings when I get messages from relgious people-- saying they
will pray for me etc.

It used to bug me more... but then I was unhappier in general
then.....

10/23/00 - 10/23/2000

Quote I found and changed a bit:

It is an impressive person who can be productive while they wait
patiently and confidently for love.

Sharia - 10/23/2000

Today I came across something called "Sharia." It is evidently the
name for the set of Islamic laws that Mohammed claims to have
gotten from "God." As usual, he received this information in a
"revelation" (a fancy name for a dream) and it was dictated to him
by an "angel." The original documents are allegedly on "gold
tablets in paradise." This was around 600 years after the the birth
of the person the Christians call the son of *their* god.

Sharia is an extremely harsh, primitive, punitive, and brutal
system of forcing laws upon people, (ie "law enforcement"). It is
the belief system which calls for cutting off the hand of a thief
and for the death of an "adulterer" among other things.

Sharia is apparently followed to various degrees in many Muslim
countries, such as Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Iran, etc.

I had heard of this before, but what is frightening to me is
reading that in some areas it is now being reintroduced in its
harshest form as a way of combatting social problems.

In the Muslim part of Nigeria where it was recently reintroduced,
for example, a pregnant teen has been sentenced to 180 blows by a
cane, in public, as soon as she delivers the baby because she broke
the "holy" law by having premarital sex. (http://nospank.org/n-
g90.htm)

Muslim law, by the way, does permit multiple wives and allows a man
to take a girl as his wife at the age of 13.

Again, this is all according to the word of "God."

My question is, whose god is the real god?

Or are *any* gods real?

If you have read my other entries you can guess my answer. But what
I want you to do is think about the question.

I write this only for those young people who are struggling with
the concept of religion. Not to start arguments, debates etc. But
to open their minds a bit.

In the USA for example, since it is illegal to educate children on
the many religions and belief systems of the world, most people
will never learn much about other belief systems.

Notice that I say "belief systems" since there are belief systems
which do not include religion, gods etc.

American school children are also sheltered from those non-
religious teachings because the Christian fundamentalists have so
much power. It is widely known how vehemently they even protest the
teaching of evolution.

I believe this separation of church and state is a fundamental flaw
in the American educational system and in the US constitution. The
idea at first glance might appear to be a good one, but in reality
it means most Americans have a very narrow and parochial view of
belief systems, morality etc.

So I am doing my little part to try to educate the future parents
of the world.

Sarah and her "father" - 10/25/2000

Sarah just sent me an email. She said another friend of hers died.
That makes four. She is 14. She said not to email her because she
doesn't want her dad to know that her friend died because he
wouldn't care. She is grounded so she can't talk to anyone. She is
not supposed to be on the computer so she had to hurry off.
Her dad hits her. Her mother hit her before she died.

Sarah is one of my favorite people to talk to. She is so full of
life and feeling. She is so sharp. She makes F's in her religious
school because she is so bored and unmotivated, but not because she
can't do the work.

How could this person who is said to be her father have control
over her? Why does the government allow people like him to have
anything to do with her? She doesn't want to report him for hitting
her because she has a little sister and she doesn't want to put her
through all the drama of a court case etc.

I am even afraid to write about her because he might read her diary
and find my entries someday and beat her.
I think she told me she weighs like 90 pounds. That is about 40
kilos I believe. Can you imaging a man hitting a female fourteen
year old that small?

Sarah told me Crista used to be so much fun. Always thinking of
other people. Her father raped her. She tried to kill herself and
was in the hospital. They thought she would live. She came out and
spent two days with Sarah. But something happened. I don't know
what. Now Crista is dead.

It doesn't seem real. I feel numb. There is nothing I can do. I
can't even comfort Sarah via the computer because her "father"
won't permit it. What is more important in the world than how
parents raise their children? Why are we watching football games,
reading Stephen King, worrying about what clothes we wear when
fathers and mothers are allowed to beat and rape their children.
This is not to mention the emotional and psychological abuse.

How much can Sarah take? She has already tried to kill herself in
the past. If she keeps losing her only support network how long can
she handle the brutal treatment by her father? She tells me she can
make it for four more years till she is 18 and can move out. It is
something like a jail sentence, but even the prison guards don't
hit their prisoners. If they did they could be fired. And if I hit
a teenager on the street I could be arrested for assault. Or if I
kidnapped someone and told them they couldn't leave my house I
could be arrested. But if I do these things to my own daughter, it
is no big deal in society.

I feel empathy for Sarah and disgust for her father and the people
who allow him to treat her the way he does. If she ran away, the
police would take her right back. The police and the courts have
power. They could take her to a shelter, but no, they would take
her back to her "father."

Something is very wrong in society.

Criminal confinement and grounding - 10/26/2000

Today I came across this from the Indiana laws

IC 35-42-3-3
Sec. 3. A person who knowingly or intentionally:
(1) confines another person without the other person's consent; or
(2) removes another person, by fraud, enticement, force, or threat
of force, from one (1) place to another;
commits criminal confinement, a Class D felony. However, the
offense is a Class C felony if the other person is less than
fourteen (14) years of age and is not the person's child, and a
Class B felony if it is committed while armed with a deadly weapon
or results in serious bodily injury to another person.

As I read this if you live in Indiana, are over 13 and are
"grounded" by your parents, your parents are guilty of criminal
confinement.

Interestingly, if you are 13 or under and someone else confines
you, it is a worse offense. But if it is your parents it is okay.

This is another example of the double standard in law for parents
to have legal rights to abuse their children in ways that no one
else can do. By the way in many states teachers are also permitted
to do things, like "paddling" which would be assault if any one
besides a teacher or parent did it.

If you are a teen, I advise you to start learning about the laws in
your state or country. You might be surprised at what you find. And
it might help inspire you to change your immediate situation or
change the system.

Source:
http://www.state.in.us/legislative/ic/code/title35/ar42/ch3.html#
IC35-42-3-3

10/26/00 - 10/26/2000

I just had this strong sense of sadness - loneliness? I don't know.

I just wrote an entry in my eq_prof journal. On feeling creative,
resourceful...

Then I thought of sending it to this friend of mine Kimbo. She is
a counselor in a school in the USA. She is one of the neatest
people I have ever met. We were sort of lovers once. I was the
first guy she ever did certain things with. mmmm nice memories.

anyhow, I realized I want someone special in my life to share stuff
with.

but even before that I started to almost cry.

i was trying to tell the teenage kids how important my words are.
i know they are important - i can feel my body react when i write
something really important. my body acts like an exclamation point
or something. it sends these kinds of shivers or something thru me,
or sometimes it sends tears.

anyhow, i want so much to make a difference in the world. i see and
feel so much pain. yet i also feel so much joy and delight - like
when i am creating things around here or exploring. i can have fun
in so many "childlike" ways. Kids like me and it is so easy to
guide them. I am tormented by the question why do people make it so
hard. I think I have some answers to that and that is another thing
I write about and think about.

anyhow again, thanks to the people who read my entries loyally -
well not loyally - i don't want them to be "loyal" -- let's say
regularly.

so anyhow for the third or whatever time....thanks to ZT and Lola
and Maige and Campfire chick, ashley- gosh am i forgetting anyone?
there are some others who read from time to time, but those are the
first names who come to mind. My pal Sarah doesn't read this stuff
much, cuz she has so many problems - of the more immediate kind -
like dodging her father's hand - but we chat pretty often and i
know i am making a little difference in her life.

Personal stuff - 10/28/2000

Yesterday - got two cylinders of propane. $32 Canadian. Met
Caroline who was screaming. Got nice message from CFC. Felt
appreciated, useful. But frusrated cuz her counselor upsets her,
isn't much help (and of course is charging her). Chatted with ZT
about Paris aot (among other things).

Took apart the stove to rig up another little burner. Felt p,r,c,s
(proud res. cre, suc). The day before I felt same from re-wiring
lightswitch to turn bat. charger on and off.

Supposed to snow 10 centimeters this weekend! Kind of scared, cuz
shoes have holes in em, and no snow shovel and gave pierre my snow
blower, but could get it back of course! I think he thought he
might 'score' with Caroline. Well, he did if you use my scoring
system. But afraid he will be resentful cuz she came here. Kind of
glad she left and he probably heard her leave. Feel bad thinking of
him thinking she might have stayed here. His friendship more
important in lt,(long term) but in st would have slept with her.
Feel guilty now, disintegritous, foolish, impulsive, torn about
tonight. I respect P's feelings, but there is no way he will be
honest if I ask him. Plus it is hard with his English and my
French. Woud be nice to have female companion for one night. Would
be my first one since I came here. bta bod. (better than average)
Nice smile, warm personality. Tries hard- persistent, eg.
explaining things. Good sign. Really sweet, open. Prob. not too
bright, but hard to tell, smart enough to leave Jacues. Maybe it
was good for her to meet me, see that she didn't need that big
house with Jaques. I said a small caravan is nicer you can clean
the whole thing in vengt minutes. Cool that ZT speaks some french.
*smile* Feel fatherly, brotherly? More fatherly like time at kids
camp when I felt love for those guys as they all went to sleep. Was
okay till that one kid came. Then everything changed. four thirty
in the am now. like this od. forces me to keep things brief. Could
seriously possibly work with Caroline in translating stuff to
French. Will end up sleeping with her but if we stay friends it
will be okay. Good test. Good that she left last night. Quebec
girls are so simple, so open. No makeup, but her hair was dyed. A
few earings, but not too ott. (over the top) Seems pretty together.
Is going to school for social work, doesn't seem bitter at Jacques,
said he was a good man as a friend but not as a boyfriend. Is
jaloux, posessif. Said she was even jealous of her parents. Kind of
sad, would have been good to meet another good neighbor. Said he
drinks trop and trop drugs (too much) trop is rhymes with joe btw,
not drop. Mais si tu parles francais tu sait ca. I love french and
spanish. So glad I learned them both. And to think how I destroyed
my spanish book in eigth grade! I had no idea then that I would
ever go to spain, mexico, costa rica, venezuela. Had no concept of
foreign countrie really. Cool that zt has been to paris. And wants
to go to Oz. So does Sarah. Interesting. Maybe one day we will all
be there together. Would love to help get some americans out of the
usa. Does Jesus save or does Oz save? or New Zealand? ZT believes
in god. not good, but does seem ott. never mentions it much, hasn't
been a probl. with us. Probl she can see that my ideas make more
sense than the bible, new or old "testament" interesting word that.
Don't know what it actually means and never stopped to t about it.
kind of concerned about life letting out of control a little from
too much chatting- also little concerned ~ pple getting dependent
on me. and concerned that s.o. like hai will get scared off- ie
that she may be too posessive. but if so then she isn't "right" for
me.

part 1 - 10/30/2000

went outside to play in the snow. don't have boots so i put bread
bags over my socks and held them up with rubber bands! Made some
snowballs and tried to see if I could throw one across the river
from my front porch. Yes! after three tries.

went for a little bike ride. exhausted after just a hundred meters
or so because of the deep wet snow! But fun :) Came back and sat on
my little deck. Funny to sit on lawn chairs in the snow! Then I had
an idea... I took off my shoes and went skating in the snow with my
breadbags over my socks!! That was quite fun. Lol. Then i feel down
backwards and remembered making angels in the snow. I though, hmmm
how can I make a devil? lol

By now my feet were getting cold. brrrr. So I hurried towards the
caravan. one thing I didn't think about was how long it would take
to undo the bags, knock the snow off my shoes, brush my pants off,
shake my jacket off, etc. before i came in. And I slipped off the
tree stump which I use for a door step lol
But now I am inside, safe, warm and happy.

part 2 - 10/30/2000

I try to learn something about myself while accepting myself and
not feeling overly self-critical. I accept that this is how i am at
this particular moment in time and this is how they are at this
particular moment. I am better now about leaving the door open, so
to speak, rather than blowing my bridges to smithereens.

And I try to learn about human nature, at least such as it is in
this seemingly un-human world. I read once that you can't learn
much about the true nature of an animal if you study it in hostile
or unnatural conditions.

In the USA I felt I surrounded by hostility. The more I tuned in to
my feelings the more I concluded that it was an unhealthy
environment for me. I can hardly believe I managed to survive there
so long, living in apartment buildings, getting stuck in traffic,
waiting in lines at redlights to turn the corner, getting harassed
by police, postal workers, life guards, you name it. Feeling
constantly judged, watched, disapproved of.

I reacted in ways that were self-destructive and socially
destructive, just as animals do when they are confined or packed in
too tightly.

I am not looking forward to the drive through the USA to get to
Texas where I will leave my car. The interstates, the police with
their radar guns, like hunters waiting for the kill. The semi-
trucks. The same scenery in everytown. McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Burger
King, Holiday Inn, Marriot, Outlet Malls. The billboards, the
insulting advertising - insulting to my intelligence. The poor
service from unintelligent, unhappy people. The black Americans
with their hostile, aggressive, animal-like attitudes and behavior.
The lack of sincere smiles. The uniforms. It has become a
mechanical, unfeeling society just as Erich Fromm predicted in his
book "The Sane Society." He said men are becoming autonotoms (sp?)

So for now I will enjoy the beauty of Quebec. I will make a snow
man, go for a drive through the mountains, maybe a walk in the
woods, or another bike ride. And I will work a bit more on my
sexual abuse crusade. Oh, and I am starting a new diary which will
have copies of my chats with Sarah.

gosh it is only 8:04 am I have a full day ahead of me! Feel
motivated, pretty content and fairly focussed.

Next