SPH OD 4

Missing my od friends - 1/28/2001

Hi to anyone who stops by.

I have been missing my od friends.

I will try to write to everyone soon!

Feeling the loss of my family - 4/5/2001

I am leaving Indiana today. I spoke to my nephew Seth yesterday. In our short
conversation he used the words fat, asshole, stupid.

He bragged about how much better of a salesman he was than the other people
in his region.

He bragged about the people he has fired. He calls them on Sunday and tells
them not to work on Monday.

He said the regional sales manager is a bleached blonde with a boob job who has
told him there is no such thing as a skirt too high or a blouse too low when it
comes to selling.

He tried to pressure me into staying around Indiana till Easter next weekend,
saying "Well, it would make a lot of people happy if you did."

On this last note... first, what about how I feel? Second, would they be happy
if I told them how I really felt and what I really believed?

I feel the sadness which I guess naturally comes from the loss of your family.
I am seeing that I don't fit in here anymore. I probably never did, but before
I was less aware and less clear about my own values and beliefs.

Now I will pack up and leave Indianapolis. It is possible I will never see my
mother again. I have considered this already. But what difference would it make
if I did see her again? I am not likely to have a different relationship with her
the next time.

She is becoming more and more religious. She had the "priest" come and "bless"
her house by walking around the rooms sprinkling "holy water."

I didn't say anything. She has crosses up on the wall now. We never had one
cross in the house when I was growing up as far as I remember. She has little
religious quotes. I feel sick thinking about them.

I guess we never completely give up hope that our parents will give us the
things we need. We never give up hope that they will listen to us, be interested
in what we are doing, be supportive.

Probably if we didn't get what we need from our parents we always keep looking
for it in other people.

Maybe we need to find it in ourselves, to become our own parents. I don't know
if this is possible completely. I don't think it is what nature intended.

After stopping to think about my family and cousins a while I have pretty much
decided I really don't need them. I would surely be better if I had a supportive
network of people around me, but since they are not supportive I am better off
without them I guess. I think of my cousins the devout Catholics who just got
together for someone's 50th wedding anniversary.

I am thinking what it would be like if one of their seven kids said they weren't
coming. All the others would join in laying a big guilt trip on that one.
Conformity! Conformity! That is one of the battle cries of a Catholic family and
of the Catholic religion.

I just realized that my mother is always putting on a show.

I can't have a real conversation with her because she doesn't show her real self.
She is still trying too hard to create an impression. One of her being the worlds
best mother.

If I try to have a serious talk with her she interrupts me and takes over the
conversation.

I don't want to fight for "air time" with her. I feel drained after being around
here for three days. I wish I had a supportive family. One that would help
generate energy in my brain instead of drain it.

I am having trouble making a decision about leaving here. I feel incapacitated
again. I don't want to be here but I don't have the motivation to pack things up
and put my bike on the car.

So I just sit here and think. But I do have just enough motivation and energy
left to get on my bike and go for a little ride. Maybe that will clear my head and
get the energy flowing again.

A good talk with my mom - 4/5/2001

> a letter to my best friend:

Today something kind of important happened with my mom and I. I was reading
a diary from a girl who cuts and I was almost in tears. Then just about at that
exact moment my mom comes in and says something like, Steff, do you want a
bacon and eggs sandwich because you didn't have any breakfast.

I stared at the computer screen for a while. I thought, here this girl is cutting
herself and all my mom is worried about is what I want to eat. So I said
something like that and I started to cry. She came over and hugged me and we
cried together. Then we had the first real talk since I have been here.

I told her that I felt disapproved of and she asked why and what she could do
to make me feel more approved of. I told her about the comment about the car
and making up for my sins and the comment about me not eating "normally." She
apologized and said that was dumb of her to say that. I was pretty shocked that
she didn't get more defensive. Then I told her I don't bother telling her stuff
because she usually turns it around or gets defensive or denies it. She sort of
heard that but she did get a little defensive.

I also told her I was really tired of hearing about stories about people who I
don't even know. She said, I know I do that and you have every right to stop
me and say "Mom, I am not interested in that story." I said I didn't think I was
strong enough to do it and that I didn't want to hurt her and I figured she
needed to talk so I just have been trying to listen. But she said again that she
wanted me to tell her when she started going off on a story.

I realized she was trying really hard to get closer to me and to improve our
relationship so I gave her a hug and we both cried again.

I tell you, I do have to admire her for trying so hard.

At one point she said something like "I know I have made mistakes and if you
want to throw me out as a mother and say you never want to see me again then
I will just have to accept that."

I have to tell you, I almost cried when she said that.

So anyhow, later she stared to go off on a story and I said, "I don't think this
is something I really need to know." And she said, "yeah, it probably isn't."
Then a couple of times I called her on stuff that she was doing, like interrupting
me. Once I said, Mom, you just interrupted me. Then another time I said, "You
don't need to tell me what to do." She got defensive but I convinced her a little
that she wasn't just listening, which is what I need her to do.

After that we had a better conversation than we had before since I have been
here. I felt more able to listen to her and more interested in talking to her.
Before I would just lay there and stare at the wall while she talked.

I guess it was something like a major breakthrough. She also was reading more
of my booklet and said some more positive things. And another time when I
hugged her she said something like how much she loved me and how special I
was. That helped me to hear that, but I probably needed to hear it about 30
years ago. I guess it is better late than never.

Maybe I have underestimated her and my own ability to tell her what I need from
her. It was kind of a lesson for me not to give up on people. She could have
given up on me and been pretty mad at me for not coming home for three years
or whatever. But she still tried hard today to improve our relationship. Pretty
neat huh?

I tried to tell her how to listen to people better so they will want to talk to her.
I was thinking of how you and I talk. We don't tell each other what to do or
start to tell stories that aren't related. We are both good listeners, so now I
know what a good listener is, partly from practicing with you. So thanks!

On campus- dept. chair, IDS newspaper - 4/9/2001

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about the guy who
sexually assaulted me when I was 18. Before I went to sleep I was feeling pretty
depressed. Like a 6 maybe out of 10 on the depression scale. I wrote to a couple
of close friends and that helped a little.

Then I fell asleep in the car, I mean my "RV", outside my bro's place. When I
woke up I felt refreshed, focussed, strong and optimistic. My mind was sharper
somehow. It is amazing how the brain can heal it self.

I started thinking of all the things I could do today. I made a list of them and
then I was able to get back to sleep. I did most of the things I wanted to do
today.

I saw the department chairman. He was so scared. He was stumbling over his
words, getting red in the face. I am so not impressed with these people who sit
in offices and theorize.

He said my web page (eqi.org/garnier.htm) has had a devastating affect on the
professor. He was telling me how worried he was about the undergraduates
finding out and then the department losing its reputation. He was bragging that
it is one of the top sociology departments in the country.

He said he really felt a lot of empathy for me but he couldn't contact me for
legal reasons. This is another example of how lawyers and the legal system have
mucked things up. Everyone is afraid of getting sued in the USA. As I have said
before it is a sick country.

He said people have spent "hundreds of hours" talking about the my web page
and he acted like he was more traumatized by my web page than I think I have
been by getting assaulted then ignored by the school. He talked about how "we
all had to heal." What the hell is that about? I am the only one who was
assaulted. What a bunch of sorry losers! (Okay, I am breaking one of my
guidelines for not labeling people - so be it)

Thanks again to the people who created OD and the people who have left me
supportive notes. It has been a big help.

So anyhow, I also went to the student newspaper and talked to a reporter. She
said, get this, that her own sister had been sexually assaulted by a faculty
member about ten years ago but she never reported it! I wonder how many other
people have been assaulted by professors and never reported it.

Anyhow, I think she may well start a story on this and that will be just fine
with me. I feel a little bad because it will make the soc. department look even
worse to more people, so I feel like I am betraying the guy who I talked to
today, but he ignored my emails and I believe the students need to know what
is going on.

I hope I start a landslide of people who have the strength to say that they were
assaulted also. This shit has got to stop somewhere. I want to remind everyone
though that I do not believe in punishment. We have to figure out what the
unmet emotional needs are of a person to cause him to do something like sexually
assault someone else. I believe it is all based in the poor parenting they
received, and I believe these people need help, not punishment.

Funny stuff is that I found a bunch of rubber bands I can use to kill flies with
in Canada, and I found two places that had candy out while I was walking
around all these office buildings! And I found a free computer to use in the
alumni office and a free parking space here, too.

I kind of feel sorry for this department chair that I talked to, but I kind of feel
bitter still. He really was a squeamish guy.

Hasta la pasta.

The value of OD, why it's good 2 b honest in it - 4/9/2001

On OD:

To me it seems it is helpful to have a place that is separate from
your 'real' world where you can come and write anonymously. I think
this is very healthy in fact, if it is done in balance. Better
would be to have a partner, who you are laying next to in bed or on
a blanket in front of a campfire or on a sleeping bag in a tent,
who you can share these same things with. but until you meet
someone like that, i think it is healthy to do it here. there are
3 benefits. one is simply to express oneself, another is to clarify
your thoughts and feelings in a growing and therapeutic way -
another is to lay your self out in front of someone who might
happen to read your diary and feel a connection with you. when they
read about you, all the messy and lovely details, they can really
get to know you and then it is much easier to decide who is right
for each other. if they accept your diary, they can accept you in
real life. for example, when i write about going potty in the
kitchen, that will turn some people right off, but it won't bother
others, and others will find it adorable. if i were to delete an
entry because it is kind of crude, then how will i know who likes
me, and is capable of loving me, just as i am??

and when i write about things from my childhood, it helps people
understand me on a deep level. this is how i want to be understood
and how i want to understand someone else.

brain dump pt 1 - 4/11/2001

lots of stuff yesterday

- wrote to garnier

- watched lady in nephew's opera class

- met "nice" xtian named chris; he said ninety percent of the time
when they report an abusive parent they never see the kid again;
said that they are legally required to report anything illegal,
like kids brining a little bag of pot into the community center.
asked if he was worried about law suits, he said "not anymore" he
just tells people go ahead if you want to file a suit. His father
beat him with belts and electrical cords, but he says he won't ever
hit his daughter with anything like that and he doesn't believe in
"spare the rod spoil the child." I gave him one of my booklets.

Al shouted across the street to some lady "call me" as if it were
an order. She said "Okay" but I doubt she will.

- saw gay guy in gay and lesbian office

- went to griffy reservoir

- saw snake, hippie father and kids, preppy family, tri delt in bmw
with cigarettes, saw crabs in holes, saw gay guys (I think) - one
was staring at me, felt wonder at the beauty of the buds and tiny
leaves on the trees.

- after griffy went for a drive on the hills. ended up near
paragon, then onto deck road, then onto some road called something
hollow. Parked the car by a creek. got out, skipped some stones.
went for a little walk even though there were No Trespassing signs
up. Sat and thought for a while on the hill. no cars went by the
whole time I was there. but two kids on an atv did come out of the
woods making a lot of noise with their engine, disturbing the
sounds of the birds and the creek running over the rocks.

met lady who is a teacher at a school for abused teens. gave her
one of my booklets.

Ended up in a little place called Stinesville somehow!

Went to burger king and wrote about the opera class stuff for a
couple hours. felt good about my writing.

showed it to my bro. he didn't show much emotion one way or the
other. that is partly the result of the lithium - which hurts me to
think of, and partly the result of our family not knowing how to
say anything positive without it sounding forced.

- got email from garnier - prof who abused me - he said thanks for
your note and for offering to meet but i have thought about it and
i don't think such a meeting would be wise. he didn't sign it.
interesting. i guess he feels to ashamed or something to even put
his name on it.

- also thinking about message barbara left on al's answering
machine:

"This can't keep happening. He needs to be spending some education
time *every* day. Once or twice is okay, but if it goes on
everyday...it just not acceptable.

If you can't make a commitment to spending some educational time
with Ross everyday... then we are going to have to talk about
putting im a school next year.

Art class is fine but it is not educational."

Her tone was whiney, controlling, disapproving, condescending.

I didn't talk about it with my bro. I was afraid to bring it up.
That is how it is in dysfunctional families - people are afraid to
talk about important things. I also haven't asked him about his
love life. It is always such a mess that I just didn't want to
"open that can of worms." I am more focussed on my own needs this
trip. Just trying to take care of my own mental health as I deal
with Garnier, the university, my family, etc.

one thing i have done better than ever before here is to take care
of myself. i don't commit to things like meeting my brother at a
certain time. i keep my freedom. i take time to myself. i eat out
because i don't want to feel indebted to him or anyone else. i
value and cherish and need my independence. sleeping in the car
helps me feel independent and it is my safe place.

cont..

brain dump p2 - 4/11/2001

here i feel sort of safe, but a little afraid of doing something al
doesn't like

the other day the first thing he said when he saw me was "you need
to watch the toilet to make sure it flushes right, because it gets
stuck sometimes and it overflowed onto the floor." He said it in an
accusing attacking, disapproving kind of way. Not highly attacking,
but enough to notice.

He could have said "hey i didn't tell you but my toilet doesn't
flush right always. sometimes it overflows." then I would have said
"oh, what can i do to watch it?"
or slt (something like that)

and he took the bag of cereal out of my hand because he didn't want
me to put a twistie tie on it, he wanted to put a rubber band on
it.

and he told me to make sure the storm door is closed - that day i
knew it was open but i also knew it wasn't windy out so it wasn't
going to break the glass. if i would have heard it starting to bang
i'd have closed it. i am not stupid, as gretchen used to say. but
i didn't say that or defend myself, i just said okay. and he said
'thanks'

i realize he was fucked up by my mother and father and so now i am
more tolerant of him

but this place is a mess by most standards. but he is a genious or
close to it or would have been if my parents wouldn't have fucked
him up.

his mind is still damn sharp and he protected me from my other
brother as much as he could. he spent hours and hours with me when
I was little, showing me how to do things and helping me make
things like a bike with a motor on it.

we never got the bike to run but that doesn't matter. the process
was more important.

i wanted to say something else about my mother and feel frustrated
now that i forgot. it slipped away while i wrote the sentence about
the bike... come back come back thought and memory....

feel a little overwhelmed by everything....

yesterday al said he didn't want to ask ross how he felt in the
class, he thinks adults should protect kids from questioning things
too much too early. hmmm. i don't agree. i think the sooner we
start to get them thinking about how they feel with other people
the sooner they can start to stand up for themselves.

we debated whether ross felt threatened when the opera class lady
threatened the kids. al said "can he feel threatened before he
knows what the word is?" I say he can. Al is not sure how much
value there is to naming our feelings, but he is thinking over and
he listens to me even if he debates with many things.

my other brother called sounding all friendly saying he wanted to
wish me well for this morning's meeting with the counselor here, or
i will call her the student advocate.

he invited me up to stay with him before i leave. i told al that
andy doesn't have a clue. he doesn't have any idea how much i
resent the way he has treated me all my life. mocking me,
criticizing me, judging me etc.

i don't feel safe around him. i feel stressed because i can't be
myself. he is so insecure everything feels like a personal attack
to him. everything is a matter of life and death, or feels like it.
so he has to win every argument etc. he is getting better it seems,
but i still don't have the energy to devote towards acting fake. it
takes less energy to be emotionally honest and it is much easier on
the body when we act and speak in consistency with our feelings.

don't feel a sense of closure leaving here.

not closed with Ann R.; not closed with Garnier; not closed with
campus newspaper.

not closed with idea of participating on committees, speaking,
getting my writing to big shots here.

so writing that helps me know what i need to do to feel better.
most of those things I can do something about. i can't do much
about garnier, i could write him again but i am inclined to think
it is better to leave it alone.

also not closed with idea of giving barbara my booklet, carol
mccord my booklet,

just had an idea - ask carol if i can be a volunteer in her office.
volunteer to write my story. then i can use her laser printer to
print it and some other stuff i want to print. right now i like the
idea of coming back and being more involved with her committe to
raise awareness of sexual assault, harrassment.

didn't like the way that guy said good bye yesterday. felt brushed
off. i called him the gay guy earlier. that sounds a little anti
gay - i guess i am a little anti gay or slt. i don't feel
comfortable around gays, or some gays let's say. i feel bad that my
friend TK has taken a girfriend. part of it is i feel rejected a
little. and i feel the loss of never sleeping with her again. well,
i don't know why i have these feelings against gays, i suppose the
garnier thing didn't help any.

but anyhow, the guy didn't get up to say good bye to me, didn't
walk me to the door, didn't even look me in the eye really, his
tone of voice was dismissive though he was trying to sound caring.
he seemed impatient as if late for a meeting.

--
walking around the populars building the other day -- man what a
morgue. all these offices with people sitting in them alone. most
of them surrounded by paper and folders and books, staring into a
computer. i suppose a lot of money is being wasted up there. they
just sit there and get paid for it. i suppose they do a few hours
of useful things each week. the rest is "make work" as we used to
call it.

it reminds me of when i worked in an office and I would put paper
on my desk and try to look busy. what bullshit.

well i am off for canada soon!

and maybe i will see some interesting people along the way.

yeah, the idea of leaving is starting to feel good. i can't get
everything closed here before i go.

i have been around here too long already.

amy wants to spend some alone time with me. ha ha

okay babe- you are the boss.

(if you don't know amy, she is my nickname for my amygdala)

she smiles, then she says, yeah, these bureaucrats... let's get out
of here today, sph.

righto sweetness and light. will do.

In school suspension - 4/11/2001

jesus h fucking christ.

i can't believe this fucked up country

i just read learning to fly's entry on "iss" - what an innocent
sounding acronym.

she says it contributes to insanity.

no fucking shit!

what a bunch of bullshit.

i can hardly believe they would make sensitive intelligent kids sit
in a fucking booth staring at three fucking pieces of wood around
them all fucking day with only two breaks to go to the bathroom

what fucking century are we living in????????????

why not just go back to salem and put the kids on trial for being
witches???

jesus fucking christ

why not lock their heads and hands in those blocks and let everyone
in town see them?

what a bunch of fucking fascists that are running the school
systems in most places.

i really can hardly believe this shit. but hey this is america, the
most fucked up rich country in the world.

you'd think with all the money here they could figure out something
a little more intelligent to try to address the social problems.

like look at the fucking quality of the parents and teachers

and look at the emotional needs of the kids

like to feel respected. and free and in control of their lives, and
inspired and educated and listened to

how many kids in highschool feel these things?

man, man o fucking man

i would like to know the name of that school system

ltf, if you read this, send it to me in email and i swear on a
stack of darwin's books that will call them and ask if it is really
true if the are doing that to kids. then i will ask them if they
could explain why and i will write about what stupid fucking shit
they say. and i will put it on my web page under the section called
child advocacy.

http://eqi.org/c_advo.htm

my email is steve@eqi.org

btw, read my entry from 10-26-2000 on involuntary confinement.
there is a double standard in this country. big time.

more hs bs - some teacher's rules in Georgia - 4/11/2001

I went to google to search on ISS and I came across this moron's
site. He says he is superteacher man but he sounds like superidiot
control freak to me. His first "rule" isn't even a rule!

============================================
source: http://superteacherman.tripod.com/price/id9.html

My SuperTeacherMan powers work best when you follow these rules:

1. My goal for the 55 minutes spent together each day is to help
each student learn. Any conduct on the part of a student which
inhibits the accomplishment of this goal will be dealt with as I
deem necessary. All rules set up by the administration at Cross
Creek will be enforced in my classroom.

2. Students are to come to class prepared by bringing textbook,
notebook, pen, and a positive attitude every day.

3. The student's should always be on time and in their seat when
the bell rings. Finishing work for another teacher is no excuse for
being tardy to my class unless prior permission has been given. I
will not give passes or allow students to be late to another class
to finish work in my class. No extended time will be allowed for
students to finish work after the bell rings.

4. The student's will be allowed to choose the seat that he/she
wishes to use for the entire semester. If their conduct is not
appropriate, I have the freedom to assign a seat of my choice for
the student.

5. Notebooks will be maintained by each student. All homework,
classwork, handouts, tests, quizzes, and notes are to be included
in your notebook.
- Please use a 3 ring binder with pockets (loose-leaf paper is
easier to keep up).

6. Homework and classwork will be given almost daily.

7. All homework assignments must be completed on time! Papers will
be checked periodically. NO LATE HOMEWORK PAPERS WILL BE ACCEPTED
UNLESS YOU WERE ABSENT ON THE DAY THAT THE ASSIGNMENT WAS GIVEN OR
DUE. The assignment must be turned in on the day that you return to
school and will be accepted only if you present a legal excuse for
your absence.

8. Quizzes covering current or previously covered material will be
given both announced and unannounced.

9. The student's will not be excused from class except in cases
which I deem an emergency.

10. Students may NOT eat or drink in class. (Bottled water is the
only exception)

11. Progress reports will be sent home at the end of the first
three weeks of each grading period. It should be given to
parents/guardians, signed by them, and returned back to the teacher
within five(5) school days or a quiz grade of zero(0) will be
given.

12. EARLY DISMISSAL: A student must take early dismissal slips to
the teacher of each class that will be missed BEFORE leaving school
and get their assignment for that day.

13. Students who miss assignments or tests due to a documented,
legal absence or early dismissal from school shall be allowed to
make up such assignments or test. IT SHALL BE THE STUDENT'S
RESPONSIBILITY TO REQUEST AND MAKE UP WORK FOR MISSED ASSIGNMENTS
OR TESTS WITHIN ONE WEEK AFTER RETURNING TO SCHOOL.

14. Class work missed due to an unlawful absence (except
suspension) cannot be made up.
"...Secondary students accumulating more than twelve (12) absences
in a semester (including lawful or unlawful) shall receive NO GRADE
OR CREDIT for the semester. Suspensions shall be included in the
twelve days; however, any students who are absent due to suspension
shall have the opportunity to make up the work within ONE WEEK
AFTER RETURNING TO SCHOOL." -RCBOE
Any absence due to approved school-related functions shall not be
counted in the twelve days.

15. If you are absent from school, you must bring a yellow admit
slip from the office explaining the reason for your absence ON THE
DAY THAT YOU RETURN TO SCHOOL.

16. My primary requirement is for each student to strive for
excellence in all that they do in my class.

============================

How do you feel when you read this?

What are your criticisms of it?

What about his statement in rule 2 that kids should bring a
"positive attitude" to class everyday, for example?

Signed:

Stevieq, fighting for the needs of teens and children.
Slower than a speeding bullet, but smarter than the average
teacher! Able to recognize bullshit from a inside tall buildings
and fancy offices.

Meeting with Carol McCord - 4/11/2001

Had another good meeting with Carol. Just before I saw her she got
an email that a friend of hers had died, so she was almost in tears
herself. When I saw her I said "You sound frustrated" bc I
overheard her talking a little, but I didn't know what it was
about.

She told me right away what had happened. I was impressed by that
because a lot of so called professional counselors won't share
anything about their personal lives. But it was better she did so
she could focus her attention on me after I listened to her for a
while.

nehow we are going to meet again and get a bite to eat so I can
talk to her some more. I want to work with her in the future
somehow to educate kids about sexual abuse, self-esteem, emotions
etc.

I took her one of my booklets and I think she will read it.

She acknowledged me for the way I have handled this all and said
she found it remarkable that I could say that I wanted to treat
garnier with more respect than he treated me. this was nice to
here, but I don't do it to win other people's admiration, I do it
because I want to feel integritous ie i want to live in integrity
with my own beliefs. it is really a nice feeling when you do and it
works for you, and especially when people do admire you later.

At my cousin Marie's - 4/17/2001

Marie was my favorite cousin. We used to take baths together till
one day our parents decided we were too old to do that anymore. Her
sixteen year old son asked us, how old we were then, and I joked
and said oh about 18.

For some reason, Marie has always looked up to me. When we were 12
years old though, she probably had no idea that one day I might be
able to help save her marriage and save her relationship with her
children. Tears come to my eyes now for some reason.

I guess because Amy knows what is important in life, as she always
does. It is funny how life turns out. Marie married a guy who has
been divorced twice, like me. He is a highschool math teacher.

Let's just say he isn't too good with emotions.

Last night for example, Marie and I were talking and her 16 year
old son came in, David. David and I have been getting along great.
For some reason we instantly seemed to connect. Was it because I
showed interest when he opened the mail and said "My CD's came!"
Was it because I went into his room to listen to one of them the
first 10 minutes I was in the house. Or was it because I went down
in the basement and listened to him play some songs on the piano in
the next 5 minutes?

Or was it because I told him it didn't matter to me what he said
about the Catholic church since I was an atheist?

Or was it because I suggested that he skip school today and go bike
riding with me?

Or because I played a little tennis with him, or because I arm
wrestled with him and listened to him when he said "you are twistin
your wrist" and then tried to keep it straight. Or because I played
tennis with him and laughed and joked as we played. Or because I
climbed halfway up the chainlink fence just for fun and something
to do while I was waiting for his tennis coach to write down their
scores? Or because I helped him figure out how to use his bicycle
pump on his two different size valves without helping him feel
incompetent and without taking it from his hand, but instead
waiting till he offered it to me to see if I could figure it out?

Well, whatever I did it seems to have worked because he somehow
convinced his Mom and Dad to let him stay home from school today so
we could spend time together. And he respected me and admired me
enough to listen to me when I asked if we could talk about how much
his mom and he felt respected. And he respected me enough to stay
in the room and listen to me when he felt uncomfortable with the
discussion.

----------

data dump from marie's - 4/17/2001

At my cousin's house

stressed 9.5
preacher - sticking head in the window. saying "well if you don't,
I am going to have to" Marie said He didn't give me a choice.

It's ten minutes. Mark: More than ten minutes.

Exaggerating. Maple syrup. Nothing to be concerned about.

Flurry of activity.

Mom is crying. Dad says: Who would make the lasagna?"

Michael says "The penguins just scored!"

Mom sits in chair calls Micheal back from his room. (disrespectful)
in and interrogates him: Why did you get mad?" "I didnt get mad."
"Well, why did you walk away? Why didn't you just tell me what was
wrong?"

Lots of shouting between rooms and between floors.

Mom is stressed when someone calls and they don't know where Mark
is.

Incident with them being worried about Michael being late. Mark
said "I can't believe this."

Mom to micheal before tennis: Micheal you have to hurry like you
have never hurried before in your life." Kids don't understand
urgency. Ignore mom. Tune her out.

Mom has horrible listening skills.

Mom needs approval of parents. Calls them when she gets back from
ski triip.

Calls Anne.

Doesn't feel worthy of anything basically.

Feels left out, outnumbered, disrespected, unsupported, laughed at,
taken for granted, unappreciated, unneeded, uncared about.

Marie said: I need to hear that from your dad.

Dad was sitting in the dining room putting the grades into his
gradebook.

Mom says: "When someone says three o clock you are supposed to be
there at three o clock."

"What's done is done."

David said: "You never take us anywhere. Dad is always the one who
drives us where we need to be. Truth hurts doesn't it?"

It must be nice to have a mom who works for this company and can
take you on vacations like this: Micheal - she is always on the
phone.

A new view of tennis. See if they can cooperate to see how long
they can keep the volley going.

Let the other person get a good shot in.

New soccer coach says you guys are rotten. You stink.
So micheal dropped soccer.

Other Tennis coach was coaching during the match; Lectured and
criticized kids after.

Preacher --- wasn't worried about who would take Carle home. More
worried about lecturing Micheal.

Lasagna: marie frantically making it. Can't get anything wrong. I
go out to tell Mark 13 minutes left on lasagna. When we come in
Marie says Mark, there are 12 minutes left on the lasagna. 10
minutes left.

Then she forgets her camera and is hard on herself

Drives 60 in the 45. stressed 9.5

"I follow the law when I agree with it." Earlier she said "I
wouldn't break the law."

With David - he was excited because he got some new cd's. I asked
him what he got. He wanted to play some for me. I showed interest.
Then he brought me a list of songs he could play on the piano, so
I went in the basement to listen to him play. Then marie came in
and we started talking and I felt torn. I don't know when David
stopped playing. I realized later he was just gone. So the next day
I said, "I never thanked you for the music." What I really meant
was I felt bad for not paying more attention to it."

What do you respect about your mom. "Good work ethic." Smiles.
"Just kidding." (he thinks she works too much)

Mom feels respected 3-5.

data dump part 2 - 4/17/2001

Mom is worried about how cookies came out. So afraid of failure.

Last night: "Dad Dad Dad Look at this shot..." Dad stays in
kitchen. Doesn't acknowledge him.

Micheal later says "Steve - Steve" I walk in to see what he wants -
He says: "remember that guy Lemieux who we talked about? He scored
the winning goal last night."

So Micheal knows the names of sports stars and looks up to them but
what if we put great conflict mediators on tv?

later from upstairs: "Dad.... DAD!" (dad is in bathroom)

I tried to explain that they had no incentive to change

Marie: "Mark is the fucking problem!"

Later in the morning I thought: Be the change that you want to see.

Tell mark you need his help.

She is putting everyone on the defensive.

David says "you yelled at me." Mom: "I wasn't yelling at you...."

Marie's role as female: Provide emotional support.

David going on bike ride. Brings his bike into room where Marie and
I are

He says "Do you think I need a jacket?" "It is cold out, David, You
just have two thin shirts on. Why don't you get your grey
sweatshirt?"

"Maybe I will get my blue one,"

"If it start to rain you are going to get mud and dirt all over
it."

"It is just an old one. I neve wear in anyhow! Besides, it is not
like the dirt won't wash out."

Then Dad comes in. "Are you going to be warm enough? It is cold out
there. If the sun goes away you are going to freeze."

Marie: "it's hopeless." (when I asked her what she thought of our
little talk)

Marie: "that was a stupid shot." Later: "That was really stupid."

Marie: "I don't think he should let Michael talk to him like that.
If he let's Micheal talk to him like that, he will think it is okay
for him to talk to me like that."

But Marie doesn't realize she can set her own boundaries.
This is the idea that mom and dad feel differently about things.
Some things bother mom that don't bother dad.

"Let's go work out, Micheal." "But the Penguin game is on!" "So
what? Come on, turn it off."

"The penguin game is the most important thing in the world!" - says
micheal.

Mom says: "I told you it was a waste of money to join that health
club. Last week Micheal didn't want to go because xxxx."

maybe Mom feels resentful because it is another way that the boys
exclude her.

Arm wrestled. he complaiined I was twisting my wrist. Okay, I guess
I am. Let me try not to.

Played tennis barefoot.
Climbed fence.

six thirty a.m.

Hey dad, dad, dad, dad,
Opens door. What mike? Sounds impatient.
Guess what? What? This large is too small.
What!?
This large is too small.
Oh.
Closes the door.
Then again: Dad dad dad No answer.

Later: michael shouts in panicky voice:

Its 7:48 Dad!

Dat: Thats what I am telling you.
M: Oh my god.
D: What did you think?
M: we'll never make it!

They rush off

Marie comes out and starts talking about her friend she is going
running with

"This girl I am going running with..."
Tells me about her love life, how she was dating some guy who
claimed to be an agent for the Pittsburgh Penguins
got some guy put in jail who was using her credit card.

Marie says this morning, I feel like a load has been taken off of
my shoulder.

Last night I tried to teach her some listening skills by asking her
what makes a bad listener
We agreed right away, someone who interrupts.

I tried to put my ideas in context for david: girls will like this
if you learn to validate their feelings.
Never tell a girl "That is ridiculous"

When Mark walked away Marie felt uncared for. But she didn't attack
him. She came to me and said "one down, two to go."

This morning I told Marie, as a female you can show these guys how
to give emotional support. It is the most valuable thing you can do
for these three guys. If you left, they could live without you. But
who is going to teach them how to give emotional support? Where are
they going to go when they are sad? Who are they going to turn to?

She grasped this right away. She said, "You know, that is right."

I also told her my family didn't know how to give me emotional
support. I said in tears that I had five brothers and sisters and
two parents but no one was there for me emotionally.

I told Marie last night, "I am not one of those people who said,
Keep the marriage together at all cost." I told her I didn't want
to see her miserable.
She had said Mark said, Well why don't you leave then? Marie said,
"Why don't you leave?"

Mark is quitting teaching next year. He has his 35 years in the PA
school district. So now he gets 70% of his salary for the rest of
his life! He wants to play tennis everyday and work on the garden
and lawn.

I used to tease her mercilessly.

Goal for today:

Sentence completion exercises with David.

At maries - continued - 4/18/2001

Tonight Marie, David and I had a really good talk. I feel so good about how I
have helped them. I am really getting good at this stuff. I feel proud of myself.
It has taken me a long time to get where I am. But I am now speaking with much
more confidence. Everything flowed so well tonight. I can joke around just
enough with David, but he also seems to take me seriously. Shooting rubber
bands at him when he was interrputing his mom helped. Marie was more honest
with him than she ever has been before. She told him how close they were to
getting divorced. David had no idea. He is such a good guy. What an exceptional
person. I lectured him or guided him or counseled him or whatever about how
he is treating Micheal, his younger brother, but I also helped him explore his
feelings and figure out why he feels so annoyed by him. We talked about how it
is so important that every interaction builds Micheal up, not tears him down (I
got this line basically from Zig Ziglar -- it is neat how I am able to pull the
right things in at the right time.)

Marie and David are both such fast learners. I tend to think that I came here
just in the nick of time.

Marie was feeling suicidal if I didn't mention that before. Of course, my mother
who saw them a week ealier was clueless. She just talked about what a nice guy
Mark was, but doesn't know that Mark would smack his kid.

I talked to Mark about this a little tonight. He had already apologized to Micheal.
I commended him for being able to apologize.

I apologized to Marie for teasing too much about the cookies. I couldn't figure
out why it bothers her that we eat them as soon as they are cooked. She says
"Well, at least you could wait one minute to let them cool." But neither D or I
could understand that. Once I smacked D's hand for taking a hot one, as my
mother used to do. And I thought I was being funny but marie didn't think so.
She was pissed. So I went in and apologized to her. She tried to act like it
didn't really bother her, but I felt better apologizing anyhow.

I still get maybe a little too emotional because I nearly cried a couple times when
I was trying to explain how important this stuff was. Like when I was telling
Marie that I understand why she doesn't want someone to tell her how to feel.
It hurt me so much to remember on an emotional level how many times I was
invalidated etc. I guess. I feel a little foolish for crying in front of David, but
oh well. Cest la vie. He actually didn't indicate at all that he thought there was
anything "unstable" about me.

He shared with me some stuff about Diana- the insecure one. Sorry Diana if you
happen to ever read this.

Oh, we had fun today too. It snowed, we cleared the trail in the woods a little,
rode bikes.

Before I forget, some other things Marie did, said etc.

- Just forget it Micheal (what Marie said when she walked away in disgust from
Mike)

- So now you don't like praying? (Said in a very hostile, accusatory, attacking
way to David)

(Marie is still threatened by David rejecting her beliefs, but I have definitely
"won" David's soul let's say, ha ha, as if I were Lucifer! LOL. David was already
seeing the light, and didn't want to go to church camp this year, (Mom jumped
on him for wanting to spend a week with me in Canada, but wanting to spend a
week in church camp because it would interfere with his work - but he was just
using that as an excuse and no wonder the way Marie jumps down his throat.
But she quickly came around to hearing that it was just too much praying, after
I helpfully said that it isn't that he is opposed to praying, but it is just too
much, over the top, ott as they say in Australia - Marie said, yeah they start out
with a prayer in the morning, then a religious song. I chimened in "I wouldn't
last till lunch") Marie laughed a little. Though I guess that was a little risky.

My sense of humor is indeed my "saving grace" or one of my best assets, let's
say.

Anyhow, I feel damn good about how things have gone. I was afraid I was losing
it there for awhile, as if Marie thought she now had 4 guys against her, but she
felt supported by me again, and understood I think, and helped and appreciative
by the end of the night. Poor David was getting tired. (btw the note said, thanks
to David: David was absent today for family reasons- lol - David thought up the
excuse, I typed it and printed it and Marie signed it! Yay! The stupid friggin
school has a computer which calls the home and says the kid is absent and that
he should bring a signed note. Come on these are 16 year olds and 17 year olds
being treated worse than babies.

Marie really heard so much of what I had to say. Maybe my own family will listen
one day, but I am not counting on it. I feel good with my own development, my
own growth, my own ability to help others. I feel much more confident now in my
writing, everything. And I still feel good for how I played tennis and for beating
David in arm wrestling, sounds silly maybe but he is bigger than I am a bit
anyhow, like 6'1" compared to my 5 10 or five 11. And he works out in the gym,
so I think it is pretty funny that I beat him! Maybe not next year though
because he is pretty competitive and he is probably going to start working on
his arms more! Oh well, c'est la vie.

I also joked with Marie about the 9.5 stress level and the lasagna burning and
she agreed they were not the most important things.

She still talks way too much and interrogates too much, but she said she was
going to try to start listening more and allowing some silence to pass to see what
the kids say next.

Okay my eyes are closing. Good night.

Marie's more data - 4/18/2001

Indecision - Mike opens fridge door. Dad says "what are you looking for?" Mike
says "I don't know."

David and gf on phone - what do you want to do? I don't know, what do you
want to do?

Me in Venezuela - what kind of tie to buy. M. noticed my indecision and said to
herself If he can't decide what kind of tie to buy..."

So parents understimate kids, interrogate them cut them down etc. so they lack
confidence in ability to make decisions and lack practice in it and don't have
chance to get to know selves. Then parents criticize kids for opening fridge door
and staring inside because they are "wasting electricity."

-------

I wonder if Marie can listen for 2 minutes or even 60 seconds without
interrupting, advising, crticizing, judging, disapproving, sending solution,
interrogating

David doesn't show interest in Micheal. 15 minutes of sincere interest in what is
important to micheal is worth a lot to micheal. then david will be left alone and
both will be happier.

david understimates micheal - says he can't have an intelligent discussion. he
just wants to talk about hockey. but david doesn't ask micheal intelligent
questions.

marie doesn't show interest in hockey. but i don't like hockey, yet i showed some
interest in it bc it was important to micheal. - have to reach a person where
they are if they are falling off a cliff. can't say, go onthe other side and I will
get you from there.

mom (marie) is afraid of appearing lazy. she puts self down - says because I am
too lazy... says I am not a fast typist, i dont have a good memory (yet she can
remember all the details of stories about other people's lives!) then she accuses
micheal of being lazy, immature and irresponsible.

First thing out of marie's mouth yesterday - this girl I am running with....

This morning: I went to check my email and I found this website callled dr
inkrefil.com.

Then she ordered the ink cartridge this morning even though she was running
late and then she read tom's email and wrote back on top of that!(she was
predicting what it was going to say - I bet he is writing about.... - just like
dysfunctional girl did same in an apartment one day - She said something like
"I bet that is so and so calling." hmm this is a problem but i can't describe it
well right now.)

she bought me some easter candy and a card. yuck.
(I don't participate in card buying and card sending)
--

Her mom says to her: promise me you will....

Her mom snaps to dad when he offers to help with dishes: Why do you want to
do it now, you never wanted to help me for thirty years"

David noticed this. David is f'ing smart.

last night he said, I agree but...

I understand but,... then he tried to tell marie what she should do- ie tell dad
"when you do this it makes me feel..." actually it is good advice, but marie didn't
feel understood yet. also he was sending solution.

I shot him with a rubber band and laughed when he interrupted.

so I see that there is a need to teach listening skills. question for me is how to
organize my ideas into logical sequence.
--

we talked about how david feels superior to his mom. marie said "i let him do it."
yep. when someone sees us put ourselves down they feel free to do it as well.

marie thinks david is smarter than her, better at writing, music, etc. so she does
feel inferior and she also sets her self up to feel helpless. like having him come
in and help with printing out her needs analysis - twice she called him in - once
for formatting and once bc printer was out of ink.

marie only gives her students 3 seconds each at the drinking fountain bc there
isn't enough time for them all to get a drink between classes!!!!!!!!!
--

marie can't leave the school building on her free period ( more fascism!)

she also tried to mislead the principal about who she was talking to on the phone
when giving me directions!

She was afraid to be honest - one of signs of children from dysf. families - lie
when they don't need to. (because always afraid - of course because insecure)

I asked david what he was most proud of -- he said "Well, dad says he is proud
of me because..." and mom says...

when i said, no david, i want to know what you are proud of about yourself, not
what your dad is proud of - he had trouble thinking of something

marie shows me twice where baggies are for cookies. double checks, then triple
checks the price of the cartridges! has to call them today to find out how long
it will take for them to arrive - even though there is no urgency. But to messed
up pple everything is urgent - guess that is partly why I ran at toldeo scale
factory. They called me running bear. interesting.
Now I walk even though marie is in a hurry to get in van.

van has automatic sliding doors!! where will americans stop? van is leased for 350
dollars a month. I can live on less than that!

now i am feeling a little stressed bc I told her i would be there around 11.

family secrets - mark doesn't want to kids to know about his previous marriages.
marie's family doesn't know. marie noticed that her dad keeps secrets from
mother, but didn't make connection to what she was doing.

man what a screwed up country and religion

but i am so thankful mark is not a cathoholic. he allowed david to question
things - like the story of first rainbow after the flood - what, he asked? no
rainbows before flood? Not likely! He is sharp guy! I love him. I feel sad leaving.
Feel needed here, useful. But other people need me to and i need my own space
etc.

marie wanted to introduce me to two of her low eq friends! one who had a guy
put in jail, another whose husband demeans her to the extreme.

david told me story of how teacher lied about brian hitting someone so he would
get suspended since just pushing wasn't a big enough offense - just like they
lied about me on the police report - saying i tried to hit what's his name. so how
can we respect authority when they lie and misuse their power and try to hurt
us as much as they can instead of help us as much as they can? answer, we
can't.

When David said don't stress out mom. She snapped "don't tell me what to do."
He got defensive.

Feeling encouraged - Episcopalian school group - 4/20/2001

I am feeling encouraged today after synchronistically meeting a
group of third graders from an Episcopalian church school on a
nature hike. (St. Stephens of Harrisburg) I met them at the hostel
near Gettysburg PA. Here are the reasons I feel encouraged:

The whole time I watched the kids and teachers I never heard the
teachers snapping at the kids.

The kids were nearly always smiling or showing interest in what
they were learning. They were not ordered around like most kids
are.

When they were asked to line up to get ready to go somewhere, they
were allowed to form a very loose line and there were no conflicts.
Just one kid was singled out when he didn't get in line fast
enough, but he was spoken to in a soft, not harsh way.

A parent told me that at the school when they want to correct
someone's behavior they walk over to that person and talk to him
quietly, or they call him aside, rather than shouting at him across
the room so everyone can hear.

When they were getting pretty loud and the teacher wanted their
attention she said in a normal voice, "If you can hear the sound of
my voice, clap two times." Like magic, first a few kids clapped
twice, then within literally seconds every one was completely
quiet. Even though it seemed a little like brainwashing or
programming, I realize that there are times when it is helpful to
have everyone hear something. This approach worked a lot better
than shouting at the kids, or blowing a whistle or something.

I like the idea of a hand signal even better though, because what
better way to get silence than by modeling it?

Kids seem to like to be a part of a smoothly functioning group
action. If group actions can be done voluntarily without fear it
seems kids actually like to be a part of the group process.

I also feel encouraged because one of the kids was allowed to pick
up a bat which had fallen to the ground.

And because the Episcopalian priest lady said she didn't try to
force kids to believe the creation story or any of the stories in
the bible as fact. She also said they teach evolution in the Episc.
school. That is encouraging!

More notes from Episc. school group - 4/20/2001

One kid asks if he can touch the bat. Another says "No." I explain
that the bad is probably frightened because he feel out of his
home. I say you might scare him even more.

--
The regular teacher says "good!" when a boy answers a question
correctly, but it was unnecessary because the science teacher
already said it was the right answer. The praise was unnecessary
and excessive. Just getting the right answer was intrinsically
rewarding enough already, but the "Good!" comment reinforced the
sense of extrinsic reward for desired behavior. There is way too
much emphasis on external controls like rewards and punishments
already.

About 40% or the kids were raising their hands to answer questions.
But only one could get called on each time. Teacher was still doing
most of the talking.

Priest lady lied to her child when the bat catcher came to their
house once. Child asked "Are you going to kill it?" Guy started to
nod his head yes and mother lied and said, "No, he is going to take
it somewhere and let it go."

Another parent said she did something similar when kid asked if
they were going to kill a mouse. Parent said "We will do what is
fair."

So by these examples we see that a) kids value life and feel bad
naturally when it is taken and b) parents lie, evade and mislead
their kids. They overprotect them from realities of life, and they
undervalue the kids feelings of empathy and sympathy for living
creatures. These feelings could be used to make the world better if
we would honor them.

I also noted how sad kids were when I told them that kangaroos get
killed on the roads in Australia when I was at Pittsburgh school.

Catholic guy:

One of the parents told us he was raised a Catholic. Here are
things I noticed about this particular parent.

- smoked a cigar

- told a lady not to feel how she felt (She said I feel awful for
not being able to go on the hike with the kids. He said "Don't.")

- made a big deal about how he had taken a stand against the boy
scouts policy of not allowing gays. He was fishing for compliments,
admiration.

---

Episc. priest told me that when she was a teacher in Georgia they
ordered her to paddle kids. She said she hated the idea of doing it
but they forced her to. She also said the other teachers would tell
her she wasn't paddling the kids enough since all the other
teachers paddled them more and they didn't want her to be more
lenient. Sometimes she would ask someone else to do it, but then
she realized it was better if she did it herself since she didn't
hit as hard.

---

She also told me that teachers in teachers' lounge constantly
criticized the kids instead of trying to figure out ways to help
them.

---
All the adults there needed to talk more than I did. They asked
very few questions of me. I have come to expect this, especially of
religious people. When they are threatened by the topic, though,
they often have nothing to say. For example, one guy said almost
nothing at all the whole time we were talking about the Episc. church.

---

The lady who I talked to first and appeared to be all friendly,
left without even looking me in the eyes. I was standing there with
three other people and she looked at each of them when she left and
said goodbye, but her eyes skipped over me as if I weren't there.
Evidently she felt threatened by the comments I made about how the
kids in other schools are snapped at, humiliated etc. and how teachers are
threatened by my questions. She wanted to talk about how she had
been doing this nature program for 25 years and I was more
interested in how the kids were being treated. She only asked me
one or two questions and when I answered she didn't show much real
interest. Actually, her reason for leaving was because she felt
ill. I wonder if I helped her feel that way -- whether something
about my presence, my comfort with myself and my self-confidence
threatened her on some level. I don't mean to brag, but usually I
am so much more self-confident than most Americans. And I am more
real, and less conforming. Maybe even something about my appearance
threatened her. The fact I was wearing shorts when it was "too cold
for shorts" by traditional standards, or the fact my hair is not
perfectly cut and combed or that I hadn't shaved this morning. Who knows!
But whatever it was, her fear of me was unmistakable when she left.
Like the lady in that crisis counseling class I took in Florida who
also would look past me after I asked too many challenging
questions.

At my nieces - 4/25/2001

Why didn't you stay for Easter?

You should have stayed for Easter. We had lots of Easter candy.

Why don't you...

Lunch talk - Becky starts conversation on something neutral - tells
a story about her brother. I mentioned Australia twice. No one is
interested. No one asks me any questions. Museum director is afraid
to look me in the eye. Answers my questions with evasive, joking
answers. Gets embarrassed, turns red about something later.

Everyone is afraid of me it seems. Feel alienated, out of place. No
one wants to have serious conversation.

I ask Judy why her husband thinks people commit crimes (he was a
cop, now is an insurance fraud investigator) - she says "Greed and
poverty - but mostly greed" I ask where he thinks the greed comes
from. She says something like "I don't think he has ever thought
about it."

I ask what he things would stop people from committing fraud and
crimes. Again, she says he has never thought about how to stop it.

Judy talks a lot. Twice she said "yeah, no" then continued her
conversation with herself. Becky just got up and walked away. Becky
wasn't a part of the conversation at all.

Becky did tell me she remembered when a lady yelled at her for
giving her little brother part of her cheeseburger at IU. She says
she remembers it clearly. She says the lady nearly brought her to
tears. I remember it vaguely. What I remember the most is that my
Dad went to complain to the management. It was one of the few
times, or perhaps the only time I saw him stand up for something
like that. Basically protecting a child's feelings. He had a good
instinct. My mother crushed him over and over again. He picked up
hitchhikers. My mother wouldn't even pick up the international
traveller on IPFW's campus.

Not sure what to do today. Don't feel comfortable here. But want to
stick around to meet Chuck Wolfe. David Caruso didn't write back
yet. Feeling less confident. Feeling small being around Becky and
these people.

Becky and Judy got in a conflict about some words. They didn't know
how to solve it. Becky was almost adamant about leaving a sentence
a certain way. She didn't look for a compromise. She got her way by
insisting that her was was right basically. It was a case of
whether they were going to say something was the first or one of
the earliest.

Later Becky said to someone "Oh, so you would rather eat lunch with
them than with us." The lady said "Now I am stuck..." Becky walked
away, apparently feeling satisfied that she had sufficiently helped
the lady feel guilty.

Last night I said "There are a lot of things that are not working
very well in this country." Becky says, "There are a lot of things
that are working well too though." Another example of her taking
the opposite position.

When we were talking about ISS she said, "Well, if they are not
going to play along with the rules, and if they choose to be
obstreperous..."

Ghandi - 4/25/2001

I was thinking about how to help teenagers change society. That led
me to thoughts of Ghandi. I found this web page which I am just
copying here so I don't lose it.

http://www.cbu.edu/Gandhi/html/articles1.html

I did some writing this morning that I feel very good about. It is
an article which will go into an online magazine about emotional
intelligence and business. And today I am meeting with a big shot
in the EI world. One of the professors who is started doing the
work in EI in 1990. I am here in New Hampshire at the library
waiting to meet him at 11:30. We met once before and he is a pretty
good guy.

Funny story - I came into town last night and tried to find a place
where I could take a shower this morning. I walked all around this
athletic center building. I found the lady's locker room but no
men's locker room. Then finally in a dark hallway in the basement
I found this open door. Inside I could see lockers, I thought,
maybe this is the men's -- it can't be the women's bc that was
upstairs. I looked on the door but it was too dark to read the
sign.

So I go inside. But something didn't feel right.

I had this fear that a naked woman would start screaming any
second. There were girls upstairs playing volleyball. This was
about ten at night.

Then I started noticing the swimsuits hanging on the locker doors.
They didn't look like men's suits. Then I noticed they definitely
were not men's!

So needless to say I got the hell out of there fast!

lol!

Eventually I found the men's lockers and had a nice shower there
this morning after sleeping in my "RV" in a Days Inn parking lot in
Dover. lol!