Teens

A Few of My Beliefs

There is an imbalance of power between parents/teachers/police and teens. Teens have too little influence and control over their own lives. They are over controlled by parents, teachers and police.
Adults need to earn the respect of teenagers. They cannot just demand it. Respect is not the same as fear, and it is not the same as obedience.
Too many adults try to demand obedience through fear and intimidation. Or they try to coerce it through emotional manipulation such as guilt trips.
To earn your respect, adults must respect your feelings and needs.
Your feelings are important. Your feelings matter. Your feelings can lead to the changes needed in the world.
Very few people really care about your feelings, even though they may say they do.
Your feelings are primarily your responsibility.
The older you get, the more important it is to take responsibility for your own feelings.
Your feelings represent your natural, instinctive, genetic needs.
Adults often think they know what you need more than you do, but I believe they are often, if not usually, mistaken.
The sooner you take control of your life, by taking control of your feelings and needs, the greater your chances for happiness.
To be happy or emotionally fulfilled one day, you must learn to identify your feelings, very specifically.
You also must learn to communicate your feelings clearly and directly.
You must learn how you feel around different people and in different situations.
You must make choices which are in your own long term best interest.
You must get out of situations where your feelings are disrespected, ignored, mocked, minimized or invalidated. (see Invalidation)
You must find a balance between doing what makes you feel better and not doing things which hurt others.

I also believe many parents, teachers and other adults discourage teenagers from expressing their true feelings. They may even punish them for being emotionally honest. One teenager told me she and her sister were always taught to lie about their feelings. Her 11 year old sister said "You have to lie to get through life." Another teenager wrote me and said: "I hide my feelings just so know one will find out the real me, because I have a feeling they won't like it."

I believe teens are not given enough responsibility for making their own decisions. I believe their natural development is often stunted by society. I know teens, for example, who are old enough to be mothers and fathers themselves, but their parents still tell them when to go to bed and how long they can talk on the phone!

In spite of all of this though, I feel hopeful that if enough adults knew how badly some teenagers are still being treated, they will try to change the laws which allow teenagers to be emotionally abused, just as they have worked to change the laws which allowed children to be physically and sexually abused.

As a teenager you are not the proptery of your parents, even though the laws in most countires make it seem that way. You are human beings with your own individual needs. I believe it is in the best interest of society for adults to help you meet those needs in a healthy way.

Parents are not trained to know how to meet the emotional needs of the humans they have created. Most parents do not even know how to fill their own emotional needs. In fact, I would say most parents are not even aware of their own emotional needs since they, too, were taught to deny, devalue and lie about their feelings.

Schools are of little help when it comes to stopping abuse which is anything less than immediately life-threatening. Instead, they try to fill the teenagers' brains with facts and information which has almost zero relevance to their acutal lives. When I see what parents and teachers can do to children and teens, I wonder what can be more important learning than how to identify your own feelings and to recognize when others are psychologically hurting you or your younger brothers or sisters.

The Importance of Feelings

I feel very strongly about the importance of feelings. I feel passionate about it, in fact. I grew up in a very "intellectual" family. We didn't talk about our feelings. No one ever taught my parents how to talk about their feelings. So, they never taught us. One result was that I have had to go through a lot of unnecessary financial and emotional pain because of my lack of knowledge and skills when it came both my own feelings and the feelings of others.

Until I was about 35 whenever someone would ask how I felt, I would tell them what I thought. I didn't know the difference between thoughts and feelings. Now I have learned the language of feelings (see Emotional Literacy). I want to help you avoid some of the pain that I have suffered from my ignorance of the importance of feelings. I also want to help you avoid being abused as I was when I was 18. I believe the main reason I was abused is that I was unable to express my feelings and act upon them.. I was unable to do this because partly because I wasn't taught to and partly because I didn't have self-confidence to even say when I felt uncomfortable. One reason I didn't have self-confidence was because because my parents and family did not accept me and my feelings. (See my abuse story to see how not being able to express my feelings and act upon them contributed to my being sexually abused.)

We live in an "intellectual" society. We are surrounded by textbooks, exams, grades, test scores, and achievement tests. If you are "smart", you are encouraged to make good grades so you can go to college or university where more demands will be made on the intellectual part of your brain. This comes will come at the expense of the emotional part of your brain. I believe that higher education is toxic to emotional development. I sometimes say a Ph.D. is the kiss of emotional death.

New brain research is giving us more information about our "emotional brain." I believe the new information is some of the most important information you will ever come across in your life, if you do happen to come across it. But so far not much of it has been added to school or university lessons. Some places are including a little study of emotional intelligence, but unfortunately most of what is being taught is based on the misleading work of Daniel Goleman.

Still there seem to be a few people around the world who are discovering the importance of our individual emotions and the importance of what emotional intelligence really is. Some people are realizing that it takes more than being "smart" and "successful" to be happy. It takes more than money, status and fame. It takes more than material possessions. (For more on the importance of emotions and feelings see this link.)

I encourage you to make time to identify your feelings and to study everything I have written on my eqi.org site. I really believe the time you spend on reading it and thinking about it will be one of the best investments you can make for your own personal happiness.

Most of you know that your parents "love" you. But what is more important is: do you feel loved?

There is a big difference between knowing you are loved and feeling loved. And it is the latter one which has the most effect on your self-esteem.

Your self esteem is the most important variable in the equation of your life's happiness. It is how you feel about yourself, and these feelings are most directly caused by your parents. They can create feelings of self-worth and competency, or worthlessness and incompetency. It is important to pay attention to how you feel around your parents and how they make you feel on a regular basis. If you regularly feel bad around them and a result of things they say and do, or even faces they make and their tone of voice, then your self-esteem will be hurt.

One day I overheard this part of an argument a female from the United States was having with her father. She was in Ecuador and he evidently wanted to know where she would be next, how he could reach her etc.

This shows me how poor of a listener her father was, how little she felt understood and how sarcastic she has learned to be as a result of living in this kind of home in USA, where sarcasm is so common as a way of expressing resentment.

Can you be emotionally honest around your parents? In other words can you tell them how you really feel? Or are you afraid to show or tell your real feelings? Here is more about emotional honesty.

See also this link on respect. In particular read this study on respect and fear You might go back and do the exercises again on respect after you have read everything I have written on respect.

Whose Feelings Are More Important?

I have concluded that most parents are more concerned with their own feelings that with yours. They will say that they are concerned with your feelings and needs, but I have noticed that in a conflict, they are more worried about their feelings & needs than their their yours.

I believe, though, that your feelings and your needs are more important than your parents'. I believe they are there to meet your needs, not the other way around. I believe if they can't meet your needs, especially your emotional needs then it is in the best interest of society for them to set you free so you can try to get your emotional needs met elsewhere. Unfortunately, not many parents will do this, probably because this would make it look like they have failed in their jobs as parents.

It won't help you much, though to tell them any of this. In my experience, they will get very defensive. So they have to realize it on their own. If they are emotionally needy, this will be very tough for them to do. So what do you do? I think it helps to realize that they have certain needs (like to feel powerful, important, needed, appreciated, in control, obeyed, "respected"). Once you realize this, you might be able to see that they are just trying to get their needs filled, as you are. The problem is that very often they are using you to fill their needs. I call this abuse, pure and simple, but of course they don't want to hear that. And if you accuse them of it, they will get very defensive and probably make things worse for you. So you have to be smarter and more aware than them.

The bottom line, though, is that you have to be in charge of your own needs. You have to make sure they are met if you ever hope to be happy. No one else is ever going to "make" you happy. Other people can help you be happy, but no one will "make" you happy.

Happiness

What is happiness? It has been called a state of mind. But what is required to get into this state of mind?

It has a lot to with having your needs being met. This means both your physical and emotional needs.

Your physical needs include food, shelter, touch and maybe sex. These are pretty straight forward. Most of us have similar physical needs.

But our emotional needs are much more complicated. We each have very different needs when it comes to our feelings. I might need a lot more freedom and you might need a lot more security, for example. I might need more challenge and variety, and you might need more routine.

One thing I can guarantee is that no one will ever know what your emotional needs are better than you. Not your parents, not your boyfriend or girlfriend. Your needs are not and never will be the same as your parents. So what works for them won't necessarily work for you. It is just like a pair of glasses. I can't expect to hand you mine and say, "Here, these work for me, they should work for you!"

Independence means being able to fill your own needs, right? But to fill a need, you have to know what it is. So how do you know what your emotional needs are?

The answer is your feelings.

Your feelings tell you when you have either too much, too little or just the right amount of something.

For example, when you feel lonely, you need some people to connect with.

When you feel crowded, you need less people around.

With every emotion, your feelings are a reflection of your emotional needs. These needs are genetic. They come from nature and from millions of years of evolution, a process which simply amazes me. There is so much intelligence in nature, and since we are part of nature, we were born with a great deal of this intelligence to know what is right and wrong for our survival, health and happiness.

Just as a tree and a plant need certain things to thrive, so do you. But unlike a tree, you have needs that go far beyond the physical ones. After your physical needs have been filled, when you have had enough to eat, for example, you still have emotional needs.

You might feel the need for excitement, for knowledge, for intellectual stimulation, for understanding, for acceptance, for empathy, for freedom, for solitude.

I have noticed that a lot of teens have a big need for self- expression, and to feel heard and understood. This goes along with their need for acceptance.

Parents usually are not very good at filling these needs. This is because parents are in the habit of talking, not listening; and judging, not accepting.

Click here to continue.....

Happiness continued...

Sometmes, trying to fill your own needs is actually more difficult with parents around trying to convince you that you don't know what you need and they do. But whether they help you or hinder you, you still must begin by identifying your needs. Then you've got to communicate your needs to people like your parents in a way that they can hear without getting too defensive. This is tough. But is worth a try. One suggestion is not to start any sentences with "You...." This will probably put them on the defensive unless you age giving them a compliment! (Someone please email me and remind me to write more about how to talk to parents in a way that reduces the chance of them getting defensive.)

Most parents feel defensive very easily if you even suggest or imply they are doing anything "wrong." They want to believe that everything they are doing is for you, and is in your best interest. And I am sure that most of them believe this. But believing something doesn't make it true.

Virtally all parents think they know what is best for you. They think they know this better than you do. But I disagree. I think you know what is best for you. I think most of you can do better by listening to your feelings instead of to your parents. I wouldn't recommend you telling them that though. It is better to let them feel important and needed!

I suggest you try to find another adult who will listen to you and who you feel understood by to try to help you talk to them. If you can't find anyone like that, and if your parents just won't take you seriously, then you will have to try to meet your needs on your own. If you try to do this it will be especially important not to let them wear you down psychologically to the point you feel powerless. Sadly, some parents actually want you to feel powerless so you are easier to control. But if you start to feel powerless it will be hard to do what you need to do to be happy.

If your parents are really not helping you be happy, then I'd suggest you try to spend less and less time around them and try not to get into debates or arguments with them and just go your own way as much as possible until you are legally able to leave their house. I also suggest that it is more important to become financially and psychologically independent from your parents than it is to get a university degree. And I strongly encourage you to travel out of your country as soon as you possibly can. Probably everyone has told you how important it is to get an education, but I believe the best education comes from traveling and learning about yourself. Until you have learned about yourself there is little chance of ever being happy.

The longer I travel and give myself time to experiment with doing different things in different cultures, the closer I get to finding something that makes me happy. I had to travel to about 30 countries, for example, before I reached Indonesia where I learned how much I like to teach English and computers to poor children. Traveling was definitely the best thing I have done for myself. I also made the decision not to numb myself with drugs and alcohol or to make a habbit out of distract myself with television, movies etc. I keep thinking about how I feel and keep trying to figure out how to feel better. As I learn more and more, I try to keep sharing this with others. Though I may never meet you, I care about how you feel because you have taken the time to read this. That tells me there is something different about you. Most teenagers are not interested in these kinds of things. So I wish you the best and please feel free to let me know how you are doing in your quest for happiness.

Some Suggestions on Talking to Your Parents

Try to get them to express their feelings rather than issuing commands. (see Parenting)

Try to educate them

Assume they have good intentions but don't have the skills and were never trained

Don't get into debates with them. Simply tell them how you feel using 3 word-sentences as much as possible. See list below and Emotional Literacy

When you express how you feel, also be ready to tell them what would help you feel better

If they don't seem to care about your feelings, tell them you feel uncared for and disrespected. If they invalidate your feelings, tell them you feel invalidated. (See invalidation- print out the page for them if they are interested in learning) If they continue to invalidate your feelings, express your sadness that your feelings aren't more important to them. Then start actively looking for someone who does care about your feelings.

Trust your feelings. Do what you need to feel better, but keep your long term best interests in mind. Think about how you will feel later.

Here are some common feelings teens have:

judged, criticized, controlled, underestimated, interrogated, mocked, invalidated, forced, threatened, belittled, punished, blamed, distrusted, disrespected, pressured, invaded, encroached upon, imprisoned, resentful, unsupported, misunderstood, unheard, unseen, unimportant, bored, neglected, uncared for

When arguing:

Ask them how they are feeling right at that moment. Be sure you understand how they feel before expressing your feelings.

Repeat back to them how they feel so they know you heard them and they feel heard and understood.

Ask what would help them feel better.

Then tell them how you are feeling.

Ask if they want you to feel that way.

Don't attack them with "You" statements.

"You can't treat us like that"

While traveling in New Zealand I met a man named Stephen Alexander, who was in charge of all the public kindergartens in Auckland, the capital of New Zealand. When we were talking about how he got so interested in education he told me this story.

He said that when he was 14 he and his friend were being humiliated in front of the whole class. He got up from his chair and said to his friend, "Come on. Let's go. That's it." The friend said, "Where are we going?"

"To see the principal. He can't do that to us."

So they got up and started to leave the classroom and the teacher said, "Hey, where do you think you are going?"

"Down to the principal's. You can't treat us like that."

I said to Stephen, "Wow. Where did you get that kind of empowerment?" He said from his father.

I didn't ask what happened in the principals office. Actually it doesn't matter much. The point is my friend's father had instilled him a sense of justice, self-respect and self-dignity. He had empowered him with a belief in himself, a self-confidence that said, I assume, something like this: Whenever you are being treated wrongly, take action. Go to someone in a higher level of authority. Don't stop till you are satisfied. Never allow a teacher or any other adult demean, disrespect or humiliate you.

My friend Stephen Alexander now is one of the most independent, self-reliant, self-confident and fair people I know. I admire him and his father and I thank him for sharing this piece of his life

Demian, Hermann Hesse -- About a boy who struggles to find his own values, separate from those of his family. He meets someone who becomes his friend and teacher, someone who is much more independent and who follows his own inner voice. Demian learns to do this throughout the book.