Teens & Respect
Many people say children do not respect their parents and teachers any more. In many ways, I agree. I do not believe, however, that this is the fault of the children and teens. Nor do I believe respect is something which comes automatically with the act of reproduction, or that it is the same as obedience. One girl told me her step-father, who is in the Navy, "demands respect" from her and her brothers and sisters. Yet, respect is not something which is demanded, it is something which is earned. What he is actually demanding is obedience. He might force them to say things like "Yes, sir" by threatening to punish them if they don't, but saying "yes, sir" to someone is not the same as respecting them. In fact, we are likely to feel less respectful of someone who forces us to say such unnatural things.
So instead of being the fault of the children and teens, I believe we are seeing the effects of several trends. First, respect defined as fear and obedience is declining because corporal punishment is increasingly discouraged if not actually being outlawed.
The second trend may be that parents, teachers and authority figures are simply seen as less worthy of respect. This is an understandable consequence of the exposure of all the abuses of power among everyone from parents to priests, police, professors and presidents. We also lose respect for those who act hypocritically. Like when we are told not to lie, but we see our parents lieing.
Another possibility is that there is a general trend for people are increasingly trying to fill their emotional needs with material substitutes. For example, instead of emotionally fulfilling work, people may be doing whatever pays the most so they can buy more material things.
When I ask people, whether it is children, teenagers or adults, why they do not someone else, the answer I almost always get is "Because they don't respect me." This is especially true when they are referring to someone who has power or authority over them, such as parents, teachers or bosses.
We respect those who gives us reasonable explanations. We don't respect those who give us non-explanations like
Because I said so.
Because it isn't appropriate.
Because it is totally inappropriate.
Because it is not nice.
Because it is naughty, rude, mean, impolite, selfish, sinful, evil, unethical, immoral, wrong etc.
Here is the advice I give to parents and teachers on how to earn your respect. Let me know if you think it makes sense. Steve
How to earn respect - Suggestions for parents and teachers
First, it is important to distinguish between respect and obedience. Obedience we can get by carrying a gun. Respect though, must be earned. When people respect us they willingly help us. They do much more for us, in fact, when they respect us than when they fear us.
But when a child is born, it has no concept of respect and it has no way of showing respect. Because of this, I have often wondered, then, just when people believe a child should start showing respect for their parents! In the past it the belief was spread that children should "honor" their parents because of the mere fact that those two particular people had sex together and created a baby. There was no explanation given as to why these people deserved respect, though, nor was there any provision for what to do if one's parents were abusive.
One might guess that the Biblical commandment to honor thy parents was put in place at least partially to of those in power in order to establish and maintain such authoritarian traditions. With the unfortunate situation that Biblical myths became deeply held beliefs, this ancient, but to me, irrational custom has rarely been seriously challenged. I am not as familiar with Eastern religions and customs, but from what I know there seems to be a similar cultural belief. I suggest, however, that we are long overdue to discard this dysfunctional commandment.
As I see it, instead of the parents divinely being entitled to respect, I believe happens in healthy homes is that the parents first show respect to their children in the first few years of its life. Then the child begins to natuarally return that respect.
The next obvious question then, is how does someone show respect to an infant?
The best way I can define respecting anyone, whether that person is an infant, a teenager or an adult is in terms of helping it meet its needs.
I would define respecting a baby in terms of meeting its needs. By feeding it when it is hungry, by allowing it to sleep when it is tired. By providing a safe ennvironment for it.
When a child is older, perhaps around 9 or 10 they will be able to start rating their feelings on a 0-10 scale. Asking them how they feel and taking their feelings into consideration is a very tangible sign of respect. For example, try asking a child or teen how much they feel these feelings from 0-10:
Accepted
Controlled
Afraid (of you)
Criticized
Judged
Admired
Lectured to
Pressured
Respected
Supported
Understood
Valued
Ask how you can improve & take them seriously. Work to improve your "rating." Don't defend yourself or challenge their responses.
Ironically, as important as respect is, in all my reading of literature for adult caregivers I can not recall a single case where guidance was given on earning the respect of children and teens.
Some notes....
I heard a mother say "kids need to learn gratitude". This reminds me of the parents who say "You should be thankful for so and so and such and such and blah blah blah."
Here are some of my thoughts:
!) kids & teens will naturally feel appreciative if they are treated well. There is no "teaching" or "learning" involved. It is a spontaneous feeling which arises naturally when the time is right.
2) if their emotional needs are not met, then they won't feel grateful and they "shouldn't" even if they have a roof over their head and their parents buy lots of material things. If I have need of ten different vitamins, let's say so I can grow physically, but my parents only give me food with 3 of them, "should" I feel grateful for them stunting my growth even though they kept me alive? I would say okay, fine, they can feel grateful three out of ten. But parents think if they meet thirty percent of a child's over all needs by meeting their physical needs and neglecting their emotional needs then the child should feel grateful 9 or ten.
Or let's say you suddenly find yourself in prison. How grateful would you feel they feed you for 5 years but never let you leave the prison and never let you talk to anyone outside of the prison? And they never let you get any news from outside? And never let you read any books which they didn't approve of?
How grateful would you feel after 5 years if they let you out for an hour a day, but said you had to come back or we will track you down and force you to come back. And what if there were people all around on the outside, like police, who could arrest you and take you back to prison until you turn a magical age, which someone else has decided upon?
How grateful would you feel from 0-10?
But another question is, would it be healthy or unhealthy for you to feel more grateful, more appreciation and less resentment? This would take some time to discuss, which I don't have right now!