Teen Self-Help - Page 1
** under construction **
Suggested Readings - My writing
Notes from a school in Ireland
Most parents are okay. Some are good. Some are great. Some are bad and a few are abusive. These pages have been inspired to by those teens who I have met online and in person who have done nothing to deserve the abusive and irresponsible parents who brought them into the world. I honor all of the teens who have survived, tried to help yourselves and tried to help others. You know who you are. I truly admire you and I dedicate these pages to you.
To be very blunt, in my experience, there are very few people who:
For most teens all of this doesn't matter because their parents and teachers are adequate enough. But for some of you, life has beaten you down to the point that you no longer want to live. The pain of living and the effort of trying to live your own lives is just too great. For others, you are not suicidal, but still are depressed or very frustrated with your situations. These pages are part of my attempt to do everything I can to help you help yourselves.
Suggested Readings - My writing:
www.eqi.org/emotions.htm - Emotions page and Importance of. emotions
Parenting chapter www.eqi.org/eqe96_10.htm and especially parents' fears
www.stevehein.com/cadvsph.htm -- My child advocacy page
Well, that shouldn't matter - Story about mother pressuring teens
Note on how our self-images get distorted
Blaming your parents vs. taking responsibility
Understanding Depressed and Suicidal Adolescents
The story about the frog and the hot water
My creative writing page
Take the mother test www.eqi.org/ptest.htm.
Read my notes on Hearst book, Mothers of Difficult Daughters; Then read book & write critique of it. Compare her to your own mother.
Excerpt from "Speak of the Ghost: In The Name of Emotion
Literacy"
by
Pamela Sackett ( http://emolit.org)
If a person accidentally shoots off my foot
wouldn't it be reasonable for the doctor to ask
"how did this happen?"
should I say,
"it just happened."
or should I say,
"if I didn't have a foot this never would have happened."
or should I say,
"how did what happen?"
or should I say,
"it wasn't their fault the gun went off."
or
"OUCH!"
should I say ouch?
may I say, "OUCH!"
and pray this never happens again
could I rest with the prayer
or rest after I tell the doctor how and where
this atrocity happened?
and might I have a strong urge to get the gun away from the gun shooter so that my other foot can feel safe?
what if everybody, accidentally, is shooting off feet all over the place
and losing a foot is a common daily occurrence
and what if shutting up about is encouraged and the way to be
thought of as a noble, respectful and courageous soul?
I'd be hard-pressed to convince anybody to say
it hurts to have your foot shot off
but it does hurt and pain's a curious thing
especially if you are awake to it
feelers of pain want to know
where did it come from and how to get it to go away for good
would you tell a footless person that she should be quiet about her pain
and that to identify the source of it is to, well, god-forbid, to
blame
and "blaming is not right"
so she must "forgive with all your might"
but I am in pain and I want it to end
and I would like to use my might for myself
to prevent it from happening again
how might I do this in a world of sleeping-ankled, foot blamers
in a world of gun preferrers and trigger-happy anger tamers?
how might I do this
in a world where mute one-footed people are taken for granted
because two-footed people are so rare?
and most everybody has forgotten that two feet are even possible
and to keep more than one is highly improbable
so losing one is nothing to bear
and therefore nothing to guard
but it is natural to be self-protective
in a jungle the lion roars
in the city of one-footed strangers
we smile and quietly lock our doors
Ayn Rand
Hermann Hesse
Henry David Thoreau
Kahil Gibran's statement on "your children are not your children"
Links
Project No Spank - A site against hitting children and calling it "discipline"
Society is pretty well organized to meet your physical and material needs. It is your emotional needs which are not being met. To be happy some day you must know what your own unique emotional needs are. Basically, you need to know what you need. Know when you need a hug, for example. Know when you need to to cry and have someone one hold you. Then find people who you can tell when you need to be held while you cry. This may do more for your sense of security than any other single thing. But if you didn't have someone who would consistently let you cry in their arms then you have been seriously disadvantaged. It is never too late, though, to start identifying your needs and looking for people who will help you meet them.
Over time you need to increasingly take responsibility for getting your needs met. Your parents may have failed to meet your emotional needs so far. They probably were not even aware that you had emotional needs. Below is a list of emotional needs. Take a look at it and think about how much, from 0-10 your need in each case is being met. Being aware of your emotional needs is a first step. The next step is working on healthy ways to fill them. This may seem like an overwhelming task, but if you look carefully through the list you will see some things which are more under your control than others. Start by working on one of those and this will probably help you start feeling better quickly. Whenever you are feeling down repeat this exercise.
Many of your parents have taught you to feel guilty as a way of controling you. This guilt will carry over into your relationships with others. Consider this example. Imagine you are talking on the phone with your boyfriend when your favorite TV show comes on. Your bf says: "I can't believe you would rather go watch TV than talk to me."
How do you feel? What do you do?
What if he added, "That really hurts me"?
Now consider this. What if he said he would never talk to you again if you left him to watch the show?
How would you feel? What would you do?
What would you do if you were in love with someone but you realized it was not working and it was not healthy for you, but your partner told you he would kill himself if you broke up with him?
How would you feel and what would you do?
I asked someone this question and they said, "I would still break up with him, but I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. And if he actually killed himself I probably would kill myself too."
What do you think about her reply?
Parents have a way of creating their own defintions of subjective terms. This story is one example of that. A friend was getting ready to move away from home for the first time. I was helping him pack. At one point he said he wanted to give away some of his books because he had too many. His mother said, "You don't have that many." Ever since then I have wondered how many is "that" many? And who decides? What if we disagree on how many "that" many is? How will we know who is right and who is wrong? Afterall, someone must always be right.... Right? Or could it be that two people can have different definitions of how many "that" many is? Can two people have different definitions of the same word and both be right?
I have also wondered how long is "long enough." For example, when teens are talking on the phone their parents will often say, "You have been on the phone long enough." But how do they know how long "long enough" is? How can they know if they don't know who you are talking to or what you are talking about? (See also the story about the phone)
What if you called a crisis line and told them you were suicidal. Would your mother come in and tell you that you have been talking long enough? If she did, should you get off the phone? Would the crisis line counselor's boss go to him and say "You have been talking long enough"?
There are other things parents say. They will say you are not "old enough." But who decides when old enough is? Who decides what any of these subjective terms mean? It seems to me the person with the most power does. In dysfunctional families such subjective terms are not open to debate or discussion. Abusive parents don't want to hear your opinion. They want to control you. One way they do this is by controling the definitions of the terms. I am not sure what you can do about it, but at least it might help to be aware of it.
Here are some common subjective terms:
Appropriate/Inappropriate
Right/Wrong
Good/Bad/Sin/Sinful
Moral/Immoral
Ethical/Unethical
What are your parents really afraid of?
Have you ever wondered why your parents tell you to get off the phone when no one else is waiting to use it? Here are some thoughts.
It may be that when your parents tell you to get off of the phone, they are actually afraid of something. Maybe they are afraid the phone would stick to your ear. I think my mother said something like that once. Or maybe they are afraid you won't get your homework done. Or that you won't get enough sleep. Or that you like talking to someone else more than you like talking to your parents. Or that you would rather be with someone else than be with them, which would mean that you will leave them one day, which could mean they will feel rejected, abandoned and alone. Or maybe they just are afraid of losing control of you. Or maybe they have multiple fears. If possible, try to help them state their fears more specifically. This will help you see your parents more as humans with human insecurites than as infallible gods.
One of the things I find most fulfilling in my life is talking to adolescents about things that really matter. Things like respect, freedom, fear and understanding. One day I was chatting with a friend who was feeling suicidal. I was afraid she would disconnect and try to kill herself at any second. I convinced her to call her biological father and ask him to come get her. She was staying at her biological mother's, someone who has nearly destroyed my friend's sense of self-worth and self-confidence. After she was at her father's I asked her what her father had said after he picked her up. She told me that he only said, "Are you okay?" Then when they got home he watched TV downstairs while she and I talked on the telephone.
At the time I didn't fault him for this. I thought he did care, but did not know what to say. Until a few years ago, I would not have known what to say either. No one teaches these things, especially not to men. Now though I think he does know what to say, but he is afraid to say it and afraid to ask questions to which he doesn't want to hear the answers. This kind of thing can't be corrected with education. Not if he is unwilling to talk about the things which really matter to my friend. Like her life, and her feelings, for example.
Editorial on Whose Needs are More Important - Parent, Child or Teacher?
One morning I asked a young mother how she was feeling. She said "sad," and began to cry. "How come?," I asked. "This morning I hit my son. He wouldn't get dressed for school and I just lost it. I feel terrible. I don't want him to be afraid of me, his own mother--the one who he needs to feel safe with above all other people."
I gave her a hug and tried to help her feel reassured that he was not damaged for life, that there were still plenty of chances to build trust and security. I asked her if she wanted to apologize to him. She said she already had apologized and he told her he needed a hug, which she gave him. I complimented her for apologizing, for recognizing it is unhealthy to hit a child, for making a commitment to change, and for teaching him to know and ask for what he needs.
Later we talked about other ways of getting him to school on time. She said she tried to explain to him that it really interrupts the teachers when a child comes in late. I suggested that this seemed to be very close to laying a guilt trip on the child, in other words, trying to create guilty feelings in an attempt to manipulate him to get her to do what she wanted. I suggested that it might be both more effective and more healthy to express her feelings rather than focus on the impact to the teacher. After all, a qualified teacher is flexible, tolerant, understanding, compassionate, and most importantly, responsible for her own feelings. If she allows herself to become upset or unsettled by such a small thing, it is the teacher who owns the problem, not the child or the parent.
Upon reflection I asked myself "whose feelings are most important? -- The mother's, the child's or the teacher's?" Again, we have a conflict of needs and feelings. The teacher needs some amount of order and control, the mother needs the child to get dressed, the child needs to feel in control of his own life. To satisfy his need for freedom he needs to feel willing to do what he is being asked (told, commanded, forced?) to do.
Yet first, we might ask, does the teacher really need order and control-- or does she just believe that she does? Could she operate the classroom in a way that allows more flexibility? Or could she simply become more tolerant of late arrivals? And also, how much order and control does she need? Doesn't it depend partly, if not largely, on her perceptions, her beliefs, her values and her goals? For example, doesn't it depend on what she believes about what she believes a teacher "should" do and what a student "should" do? And doesn't this depend on what she believes about the purpose of school and of education, which may largely depend on how she was raised, where she was raised and under which, if any, religious teachings?
Then what about the mother? Don't her perceived needs also depend on her beliefs and values? There are so many variables. And so many deeply rooted dysfunctional patterns. Who is to say that the adult's needs are the "right" ones?
Now let us consider the small child. He has yet to form beliefs and values. He simply wants to feel happy and free-- not forced and punished for refusing to obey. He simply wants to pursue those things which please him, and those things which interest him. This is his natural condition.
And what of the parent/child relationship? Isn't it the important relationship of all? Isn't it more important than the parent/teacher relationship? Or than the teacher/child relationship? I believe that it is indeed the most important relationship, if for the simple reason that the parent/child relationship lasts a lifetime. And further, it is the parent/child relationship which determines the happiness and the self-esteem of the child. And these, I believe, are our highest goals.
Thus, I suggest that the parent never force, coerce, "guilt-trip"or manipulate the child. For each time he or she does this, there are two very serious negative consequences: First, this most critical relationship is distorted. It is steered away from the development of mutual love and respect. damaged, something both the child and parent critically need for the relationship to be healthy. Many parents complain that their children don't respect them, but they fail to consider how they have created the situation.
And second, the self-esteem of the child suffers. He can't develop self-esteem if he feals guilty, afraid, controlled or powerless. If he really doesn't want to go to school, there is a reason. And to him it is a good reason. If a parent doesn't address the reasons, it contributes to a child's perception that he isn't important. If doesn't feel valued by the parent, he won't believe he has value and won't value himself.
In the final analysis, whenever there is fear, force, coercion, manipulation, obligation and guilt, no one is happy.
Below are some notes which were originally on my parenting page. S. Hein
--
Many people lament that children do not respect their parents and teachers any more. In many ways, I agree. I do not believe, however, that this is the fault of the children. Nor do I believe respect is something which comes automatically with the act of reproduction, or that it is the same as obedience.
Instead I believe we are seeing the effects of several trends. First, respect defined as fear and obedience is declining because corporal punishment is increasingly discouraged if not actually being outlawed.
The second trend may be that parents, teachers and authority figures are simply seen as less worthy of respect. This is an understandable consequence of the exposure of all the abuses of power among everyone from parents to priests, police, professors and presidents.
Another possibility is that there is a general trend for people are increasingly trying to fill their emotional needs with material substitutes. For example, instead of emotionally fulfilling work, people may be doing whatever pays the most so they can buy more material things. Instead of developing fulfilling relationships, people may be spending more time "networking."
When I ask people, whether it is children, teenagers or adults, why they do not someone else, the answer I almost always get is "Because they don't respect me." This is especially true when they are referring to someone who has power or authority over them, such as parents, teachers or bosses.
As child advocates then we must earn the respect of the children we work with. Below are some thoughts on how to do this.
How to earn respect
First, it is important to distinguish between respect and obedience. Obedience we can get by carrying a gun. Respect though, must be earned. When people respect us they willingly help us. They do much more for us, in fact, when they respect us than when they fear us.
But when a child is born, it has no concept of respect and it has no way of showing respect. Because of this, I have often wondered, then, just when people believe a child should start showing respect for their parents! In the past it the belief was spread that children should "honor" their parents because of the mere fact that those two particular people had sex together and created a baby. There was no explanation given as to why these people deserved respect, though, nor was there any provision for what to do if one's parents were abusive.
One might guess that the Biblical commandment to honor thy parents was put in place at least partially to of those in power in order to establish and maintain such authoritarian traditions. With the unfortunate situation that Biblical myths became deeply held beliefs, this ancient, but to me, irrational custom has rarely been seriously challenged. I am not as familiar with Eastern religions and customs, but from what I know there seems to be a similar cultural belief. I suggest, however, that we are long overdue to discard this dysfunctional commandment.
As I see it, instead of the parents divinely being entitled to respect, I believe happens in healthy homes is that the parents first show respect to their children in the first few years of its life. Then the child begins to natuarally return that respect.
The next obvious question then, is how does someone show respect to an infant?
The best way I can define respecting anyone, whether that person is an infant, a teenager or an adult is in terms of helping it meet its needs.
I would define respecting a baby in terms of meeting its needs. By feeding it when it is hungry, by allowing it to sleep when it is tired. By providing a safe ennvironment for it.
When a child is older, perhaps around 9 or 10 they will be able to start rating their feelings on a 0-10 scale. Asking them how they feel and taking their feelings into consideration is a very tangible sign of respect. For example, try asking a child or teen how much they feel these feelings from 0-10:
Accepted
Controlled
Afraid (of you)
Criticized
Judged
Admired
Lectured to
Pressured
Respected
Supported
Understood
Valued
Ask how you can improve & take them seriously. Work to improve your "rating." Don't defend yourself or challenge their responses.
Final thoughts -- Ironically, as important as respect is, in all my reading of literature for adult caregivers I can not recall a single case where guidance was given on earning the respect of children and teens.
If you are interested in the topic of hitting children and teens, here are some links and books...They were copied from a site which seems to now be a dead link, The site was
Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education (PTAVE)
Executive Director Jordan Riak is a passionate child advocate and
his site is a no-nonsense, matter-of-fact approach to the subject
of corporal punishment. An excellent resource on political,
personal, ethical, psychological, medical, sexual & religious
issues involved in the corporal punishment of children.
www.stophitting.com
The Institute for Psychohistory - global historical look at
violence and aggression and its roots in child maltreatment
www.naeyc.org
The National Association for the Education of Young Children
(NAEYC)
A good source for high standards in the classroom. Good early
childhood programs strive for NAEYC accreditation as a testimony
to quality
www.alcade.net
The International Youth Rights Action Alliance
A great site with a wealth of information and links on the
ethical reasons why children should not be hit.
www.janebluestein.com
Instructional Support Services, Inc.
Jane Bluestein has written a variety of helpful parenting
resources that support positive, non-violent discipline- purchase
them at this link!
Books: (I copied this list from somewhere, so they are not my
notes about the books)
Beating The Devil Out of Them by Murray Straus ISBN:
0-02-931730-4
An absolute "must-have" for anyone ready to confront
the evidence that corporal punishment is damaging to children.
Discusses the social, sexual and psychological implications of
hitting kids.
The Case Against Spanking by Irwin A. Hyman
Excellent, compassionate book to help parents learn effective
alternatives to spanking. Makes the case that this legal violence
against children can no longer be tolerated.
Spare The Child:The Religious Roots of Punishment and the
Psychological Impact of Abuse
by Philip Greven
No Such Thing As A Bad Kid by Charles D. Applestein
Excellent resource for working with children with severe
behavioral and conduct issues- geared towards working with kids
in residential and in foster homes.
Positive Discipline for Preschoolers / Positive Discipline A-Z
(For ages toddler to teenager)
by Nelsen, Erwin and Duffy
These two excellent resources are for anyone seeking positive,
non-violent answers to the most common and trying disciplinary
problems in children. These methods not only work well, but they
help parents and caretakers establish trusting, secure bonds with
even the most defiant children.
Discipline That Works by Thomas
Gordon
An educated understanding of positive discipline that
emphasizes "I" messages and how children really react
to adult attempts to control them.
Angry Young Men by Aaron Kipnis
A long overdue testimony to the abuse of children by the
juvenile "justice" system and why these fail to
rehabilitate delinquent children. This book takes a strong stance
against violence against children, showing blatantly and frankly
how it only serves to further damage at-risk youth.
Positive Discipline That Works! by Scott Noyes
This guide offers positive, non-punitive disciplinary tactics
that work well with children with behavioral and conduct
problems. It is a discipline program that is for those dedicated
to helping caretakers decode the meanings behind the misbehaviors
and how to positively guide children so that they succeed, become
more respectful and develop trust and security in their
caretakers.
To order a guide, contact: (802) 872-8419 or EPLectures@aol.com
For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty of Child Rearing and the Roots
of Violence by Alice Miller
A classic book about the cruelty of child rearing. Excellent insight into the childhoods of vicious leaders such as Adolph Hitler, and how violent parenting contributed to their reigns of brutality.
The Men They Will Become by Eli H. Newberger
Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys by Kindlon and Thompson
Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack
Three long over due testimonies to the plight of American boys
due to the neglect and the punitive, sarcastic, anti-male ways
that caretakers in our society employ to raise boys.
Toxic Psychiatry by Peter Breggin
This book, written by an M.D., gives a chilling account of how
often authorities are quick to medicate children, especially
boys, for behavior that is a direct result of poor parenting in
the home and poor teaching in the schools.
Children First by Penelope Leach
A political and social stand for the rights of children
Violence: Reflections on a National Epidemic by James Gilligan
A reflection from an M.D. who worked in the maximum security
prisons for men. This book spells out the frightening and
sobering truth about the role of shame in the perpetration of
violent crime and the role of negative child rearing in producing
that shame.
The Young Child by Black and Puckett
A good text book for information on child development
A Guide to Discipline by Jeannette Galambos Stone
A brief reference manual on positive alternatives to punishment that begin with the caretaker's attitudes towards children. They ask the sobering question, would you like yourself as a caretaker? Contact The National Association for the Education of Young Children at www.naeyc.org for a copy.
Footnotes
1. In fact, I find parents as a group to be some of the most defensive people I have met, at least when it comes to the topic of parenting, especially those in the USA, though this may be partly because I have had more conversations with them.
Adapted from my 1996 book, Chapter Two
If we don't acknowledge our feelings as they occur, we may miss the chance to learn from them. Most of our lives are excessively busy, so we are unlikely to make the time later to reflect on our emotions and listen to their messages. Instead, we keep working harder and harder. (If you have read George Orwell's Animal Farm, you might remember this was the horse's response to the corrupt society.) As a result of ignoring our feelings, many of us stay in unhappy, unhealthy situations for years upon years. In fact, if we are not in tune with our feelings we may become like the frog who isn't smart enough to know when to jump out of the water as the water slowly reaches a boil. Almost incredibly, it has been shown that even when the frog could easily jump out, he will remain until cooked to death, if the change in temperature is gradual enough.